“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn; my God, do you learn!” – C.S. Lewis

Well, C.S. sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t. Jen Farmer had a learning disability. It wasn’t the kind that one expects when you see that phrase. Jen’s learning disability had more to do with how she lived her life.
I work for the Ultimate Creator. My kind didn’t always exist; like many things we came to be out of necessity. When the earth was being populated, all the creatures on it were given the same basic set of tools to insure their survival, including intuition. You know what I’m talking about; that prickly feeling on the back of your neck when you meet someone new that tells you that you should run away as fast as you can, or maybe you all of a sudden decide to pull off the road when driving and discover that there has been a terrible accident just a short way from where you are. If you’ve ever seen one of those shows about wild animals you know what I mean. You see an antelope hanging out on the veldt chewing on grass or whatever, having a happy antelope time and all of a sudden their head snaps up and they become all business; their eyes dart to the left and right, their ears perk up — they have smelled or heard a lion that is, like, five miles away and they beat feet out of the area before they become lunch. The original version of humans used their intuition the same way.
Over the years though, the world started to become much noisier and that little voice that issued warnings and other information started to become more and more faint in the din of the world. That’s when my kind came to be. Our job is to enhance your intuition to keep people out of trouble or to guide you through some personal issues. We absolutely CANNOT change anything in anyone’s life; all we can do is make sure that the little voice that guides you is heard. We act as a sort of amplifier. So when someone starts talking about how their guardian angel saved them, we all laugh because the person actually saved themselves with a little assist from me and my associates.
But enough about us; this story is about Recalcitrant Jen. We are the only ones who actually call her Recalcitrant Jen, by the way. Jen wants very much to be a mother. In fact, it is the driving force in her life. She should be a mother. She is what we call a ‘natural mother’. That is a person who just can’t help but nurture other people. (Among my associates we think that ONLY natural mothers should be mothers, but the Creator is unwilling to modify the original design in any way). She is a giver. She has all the right instincts, but she lacks the physical equipment to actually conceive a child of her own. She has pursued several avenues trying to adopt a child, but each time something happens that prevents her from actually completing the adoption. Jen is crushed when this happens, which is completely understandable.
What Jen doesn’t realize is that she is the one that is making this happen. My associates and I have tried very hard to send her little messages that will make her realize this, but she keeps unwittingly sabotaging her plans for motherhood.
We really like Jen, so we decided to talk to her via her dreams. We occasionally do this when we really want to be able to help someone and we really wanted to help Jen.
Jen went to bed as usual one night. Before she went to sleep she uttered her usual before sleep prayer: “Dear God, please help me to adopt a baby. Thank you”.

Jen’s Dream
Jen found herself walking down a country road. It was a beautiful summer day; not too hot, a light breeze played around her, birds sang, crickets chirped and the grass in the field on either side of her swayed alluringly. Jen felt wonderful. She felt light and happy and perfectly content to walk. After a bit she was compelled to look to her right and down. Walking with her was a little girl.
The little girl was adorable. She was small with dark red hair in a pageboy style, big brown eyes that were full of vitality, love and intelligence, a liberal sprinkling of freckles across her little perfectly formed nose and a natural smile. She was wearing a long pair of jean shorts and a loosely fitting camp shirt in a blue plaid. Jen was enchanted.
Sensing no threat Jen decided to engage the little person, “Hello”.
“Hello, how are you”?
“I’m good”, Jen answered and as she said the words she realized that she actually meant it.
“That’s great”!
“What’s your name?” Jen asked the child.
“What do you think my name should be?” the child replied.
Jen considered the question for a moment and then answered, “Renee”.
“I like that name”, the child replied. “Do you know what it means”?
“No”
“It means reborn. Do you know what your name means, Jen”?
“No, I don’t. What does it mean?”
“Jennifer means White Wave. What do you think about that”?
“I’m not sure, but I sure like the meaning of your name, Renee”.
“I do too”.
They continued to walk down the country road in silence for awhile, just enjoying each others company, after a time Jen asked Renee, “Why are you here”?
“To keep you company and to help you work some things out”, Renee replied.
“Work what things out”? asked Jen.
“Oh, that’s for you to figure out”, Renee replied. “Maybe if you ask me some questions it will help you work out what you need to know”. Renee looked up and gave an encouraging smile.
Jen considered this for a little while and then said, “You’re exactly the kind of little girl that I would love to adopt.”
“Well, duh!” Renee laughed, “Why do you think I look the way I do?”
Jen considered this, “So you are here to tell me something and someone thinks that it will be better received if it comes from you?”
“Yep”.
“But I have to figure it out for myself.”
“Yep”.
Sensing that her time with Renee was limited, Jen started to concentrate on what she would most want to know from this special child. There were so many questions she wanted answered, but knew that she had to edit quickly.
“Why is it that every time I go to adopt a child something goes wrong?” The words tumbled out quickly.
Renee replied, “Well, I can’t actually answer that but let me ask you this: have you ever considered that there may be some things in your life that you need to change before that could happen?”
“What do you mean?”

“It is my understanding that sometimes people need to change things in their life to make something else happen. Like when a person wants to lose weight, they have to change how they eat. That means that they have to get rid of some things and add other things to achieve their goal. Do you understand what I mean?”
“So, what do I need to change?”
“You’re the only one who can answer that, Jen. But I can tell you this; you are a giver. Most of the time that is a good thing, but the problem with being a giver is that you attract a lot of takers. Sometimes givers give beyond the point where it is healthy for them to do so. In fact it’s not healthy for the giver and it’s not healthy for the taker either.”
“So I should get rid of the takers?”
Renee gave Jen an exasperated look. “NO. You need to analyze your life and make some decisions about what is good and should stay and what is not so good and should go and then maybe things will start to go the way you want them to.”
Jen thought about this for a minute and then said, “How should I go about doing that?”
Renee stopped and looked directly at Jen. “Jen, no one can answer that but you. You can’t just go through life wanting things. You can’t go through life giving yourself away to anyone who has a sad story. You have to make the changes and you are the only one who can decide what those changes need to be. No one else can do that for you. Your creator gave you all the equipment you need and it is all between your ears. Use it wisely.”
Jen felt that her time with Renee was coming to an end. “Can I ask you one more thing”?
“No, Jen. I have to go now. It’s time for you to wake up.”

Jen Wakes Up
Jen’s eyes snapped open. She lay in her bed and let the sounds, sights and smells of her bedroom replace those of her dream. As she lay there she replayed the dream and her conversation with Renee. She smiled at the memory. She began to consider the conversation. Was it possible that she needed to make some changes in her life? Was the way she was living keeping the thing she wanted most out of her reach? After a period of consideration Jen came to a conclusion. “Nah.”

Well, we tried.