It was dusk and Sarie stood on the edge of Table Mountain and watched the way the warmth of the setting sun melted into the Twelve Apostle rock formations that surrounded her. Below, the lights of Cape Town began to glow and soon it would be night. She sat on the edge of a rock and waited for the darkness to come and visit her so she could read the stars the way her father had taught her to.

When she was young and her father was teaching astronomy at the university in Johannesburg, he would take her outside and point out the constellations and make up stories about how the stars collided into one another, and created galaxies and planets no one had ever seen.

She stood up and straightened her back, folding her arms across her chest, and looked up–wondered if she was like the stars that veer away from what they are born to do–make planets. Her father had explained this basic principle of astronomy to her. Stars rotate in the same direction and their purpose is to create planets and because of that direction, they become shaped like spheres. But, sometimes a star will not do what it was intended to do, and it will become shaped like an oval, like Leo. This was one of the reasons she left Cape Town and went to the States to study journalism. She thought that maybe if she put herself in a different place, she would feel like she belonged.

It wasn’t quite like that when she got to the University of Michigan. It was the same difficulties she faced at home in a different environment. She arrived in Ann Arbor six months after her father had passed away from AIDS. She still felt very disillusioned by people in general, not only as a result of the way her father died, but because of the way he had lied to her and her mother in the years following up to his infection. During the first semester, she kept to herself; mostly just going to class and coming back to her room to study or sleep. The winters in Michigan were so bitter, especially the early mornings when the cold air would bite her skin fresh from sleep. But she got acclimated to her surroundings slowly, and began to make a few friends.

Her mother had been HIV Positive and relatively stable, until she was recently diagnosed with AIDS. When she was at U of M, Sarie called her mom every Sunday to keep track of what was going on. Afterwards, she would go out with her friends to downtown Ann Arbor and eat at the Greek Restaurant on Liberty and then they would hang around Border’s drinking coffee and looking at magazines. Ann Arbor was a welcoming place in winter. Multicolored lights were strung along streetlights, and you could smell patchouli and clove cigarettes waft outside, as you walked past one of the many used record stores. There was a wildness there that Sarie found comforting because it reminded her of Cape Town in the way each city created its own unique atmosphere.

Her first day back in Cape Town was strange only until now because she was surrounded by her favorite place in the world. She always came to Table Mountain when she wanted solitude. She began her descent down to where the cable car took her back to where she parked. She got into the cable car and sat as if in a trance, listening to the hum above her. Her insides whirled from the elevation. When the car stopped, she slowly rose to her feet, got out and walked to her old red VW Bug. As she drove, she could see the lights of the city down below on her right, as she descended down the mountain. The glow became more intense the lower she got. Then the landscape turned to streets lined with brightly colored rows of boxy houses with white trim. People poured out gathering to celebrate the night’s very existence. There were buskers playing reggae on the corners and young men and women dancing nearby, while others sat in chairs outside of the many bars and restaurants. There were bergies standing around waiting to steal food from unsuspecting diners. And every once in a while, you would see the gattas or police monitoring a busy section of the street.

Sarie’s car pushed its way through the nightlife, until she finally glimpsed her street and parked in front of the house with bright yellow siding. She got out, and was instantly startled by a voice across the street that bellowed, “Howzit, Chine–wanna come inside and we can get blou, maybe you can show me your broekie! “

At that, Sarie fumbled for the door, and the keys in her hands shook as she opened it, coming into total darkness. Once her eyes had adjusted to the light, she saw the outline of her Mother’s face against the window. Her mother turned on the light. The ravages of weakness had begun to show on her face. Sarie’s mother, Drieke was a tall, striking woman of five-foot-eight. She had long blonde hair and olive green eyes. She looked like a long, whispy, chiffon scarf laid out on the couch. Looking up at Sarie, she whispered, “Could you bring me some water?”

Sarie went into the kitchen, grabbed a glass from the cabinet and turned on the tap, filling the glass. She, then, noticed the pills spilled all over the counter to her right.

“Mom, what happened to your pills?”

“I was trying to open them, and my hands were too shaky, and when they finally opened, they went everywhere, I tried to…” her Mom began to cry.

“It’s Ok. I will get them together…” Sarie said softly and brought her the water.

She knew how hard it was for her Mom to ask for help. She couldn’t sleep and had developed terrible anxiety. And if she did sleep, it was for short periods of time.

“Maybe we should see Dr. Rodriguez tomorrow.”

Her mom nodded.

Sarie walked over to the couch and took her mother’s arm, leaning her weight against her body. Slowly, her mom rose and they walked to her room. Her mother had a very simple, but beautiful room painted in a pale yellow.

Its walls were covered with the paintings her mother had done–modern and blazed with color. These paintings were the way that Sarie saw Cape Town in her heart. Through her mother’s free-spirited sense in these portraits, she understood the very core of what that freedom meant to those who inhabited the city. When Sarie was five and her mother was studying art at the University, Drieke would take her outside and they would take tubs of paint and create landscapes on the sidewalk in front of their house. She remembered splattering huge sections of the concrete with thick paint. Sarie helped her mother into her bed and paused to look at her favorite painting in the far left corner: A landscape of Cape Town at night dotted with big staccatos of yellow against a glossy black sky. The stars in it were bold and screamed out FREEDOM–the most precious thing to her mother who had witnessed so many of the atrocities against Nelson Mandela and those who fought against apartheid. It was so hard to hear her mom’s once strong voice reduced to a wisp of air. But, now all that mattered was that she was home and could help her in every way possible.

***********************************************************************

Sarie laid on the couch and listened to the sounds of the street: car doors slamming and muffled voices going past the house, trash can lids opening and closing. She finally rose and went in the kitchen to put on the teakettle for some rooibos. She, then, went in to check on her mom to see if she had woken up. When she peeked in, her mom was lying on the bed looking up at the ceiling. She looked over at the door and smiled.

“Good Morning, my Sarie. I slept so well because I knew you were here.”

She smiled.

“Can I get you some tea?”

Drieke nodded. Sarie went into the kitchen and prepared her a cup and brought it, sitting on the bed.

Her mom remained silent for a long time and stared down at the cup of tea.

“I don’t want to die,” she gasped.

Sarie felt her insides rip apart. How could her father have done this–when she was younger, they were so close. All of those moments spent outside, lying on their backs staring at the stars reading mythology. She was divided in half –one part love and another, utter disgust at his selfishness. She remembered the night he came home when she was eight–stench of Johnny Walker on him–and told her mother in slurred speech that he had HIV… and her mother just sat there, as if he had smacked her across the face. In the weeks that followed, the truth began to unravel about his affairs with students, both male and female, and how he couldn’t remember their names.

Sarie put her arms around her mother and began to weep. In that moment, it was as if she were hovering over herself and her mother looking down. It wasn’t real. And what could she say to her mother that would even remotely comfort her. She didn’t have AIDS, she had never faced death, she had only been on the receiving end by having everything taken away.

“Mom, do you hate Dad? I mean, for what he did? “

“Oh Sarie, I am too tired to hate him anymore. I did at first… at first it consumed me in every way. But, now all I have the energy for is to deal with my own fear.”

“Mom, how can you forgive him?” Sarie jerked away from her mother.

“I never said that I forgave him. I simply said that I don’t have the energy to put into the intense hate that I had for him,” Drieke said.

“Well, I don’t know what to think anymore. HE isn’t here to watch you die. HE isn’t here to see you suffer for what HE did!” Sarie lowered her head as hot tears ran down her cheeks.

Sarie felt guilty for lashing out at her mom. She had so many hard questions and her anger just seemed to come out whenever she didn’t want it to. There was a long silence between them. Suddenly, it occurred to her that there was something she could do–

“I love you, Mom.”

Her mom leaned her head against Sarie’s heart.

*****************************************************************************************

Sarie helped her mom out of the VW Bug and walked her into the clinic. Once her mom was seated, she went up to the desk where a young man she didn’t recognize was seated.

“Hello, how can I help?” he asked in an American accent.

“My mom is here to see Dr. Rodriguez. Her name is Drieke Van Kluum.”

Sarie looked at his name tag. It said Jeremy. He looked up after checking the appointment book.

“It will be just a minute. I’ll let Dr. Rodriguez know she’s here.”

She sat back down with her mother. Soon the door opened, and Jeremy came out and helped Drieke to the room. He very gently held on the crook of her arm and let her weight rest on him. His voice was very soft. Sarie followed them, feeling a bit awkward because she was used to being the one to help her mom.

Dr. Rodriguez was already in the room waiting for them. Jeremy helped Drieke up on the table.

“Thank you, Jeremy.”

“Certainly.” and he closed the door behind him.

Dr. Rodriguez looked at Drieke and sighed quietly. She had been caring for her since before the HIV changed to full blown AIDS. She came from Cuba to practice medicine because of the need in Cape Town for immunologists, and the fact there was more work available. She was a petite woman in her mid thirties with large brown eyes that had a sadness to them. It was understandable because most of the patients she saw were managing HIV and AIDS.

“How is your pain level?”

Drieke looked at the doctor and paused, “I can’t sleep and I …”

“We need to manage your pain. I will prescribe some pain meds and something to help you sleep.”

Drieke’s bony shoulders dropped; she breathed out a quiet thank you. Dr. Rodriguez came over and put her hand on hers.

“Come see me in a few days if it isn’t working.”

Dr. Rodriguez left the room and Jeremy came back in to help her off the table and back to the waiting room so Sarie could sign the paperwork. When Jeremy came back to the desk, she looked up and handed him the papers.

“Thanks.”

“Sure.”

“You’re from America, aren’t you?”

“Yes! I just got here about a week ago. I am spending the summer here working as a volunteer in the office.”

“Oh, I went to university back in the States at U of M and came home to help my mom.”

“Oh really? I am from South Dakota.”

“What are you studying?”

“Theology. And you?”

“Writing, journalism.”

The fact that he was studying theology made Sarie a bit uneasy. She had run into religious types before on the Diag at U of M. She remembered one Hash Bash in particular where these two girls came up to her and a group of friends who were sitting on the lawn listening to a local band play. They had leaflets they were handing out that said “Do you know if you will go to heaven?” In a haze, she remembered one in particular with long blonde hair and blue eyes. She looked at Sarie like she was some confused child or something. It really pissed her off, so she started asking the blonde questions like, “What scientific proof do you have that heaven exists?” and “Do you know the origin of the universe?” The girl just looked back at her blankly. When Sarie got no answer from her, she lit in to her and started talking about the fact that there was no scientific proof that God existed. She spewed off facts she had learned from her father about the origin of stars and planets and dark matter. The blonde’s eyes went really wide and she said, “I just wanted to give you this. Please read it and think about it” and she walked away. Sarie was even more convinced after that that science made sense. After all, science was real and concrete. You could see the proof with your eyes and hold it in your hands. It was backed up by research.

Sarie took the paperwork from Jeremy and thanked him, saying nothing more.

***************************************************************************************

A few days later, Sarie woke to the sound of Drieke crying. She rushed in to find her on the floor with blood on her forehead. Immediately, Sarie lifted her and placed her on the bed and ran to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. She placed pressure on the gash.

“We need to go back to the clinic. What happened?”

“I fell out of bed”

Sarie got them both dressed and drove to the clinic. When they arrived, Jeremy was outside waiting and told them that Dr. Rodriguez was at the hospital and wanted to do some tests on Drieke to make sure there was no concussion.

When they arrived at the hospital, the orderlies took Drieke back to the X ray room . When Sarie turned around to find a seat in the waiting room, she saw Jeremy waiting for her.

“What are you doing here?”

“Dr. Rodriguez wanted me to wait with you.”

“Why?”

“In case you need someone to talk to or just to be here”

Jeremy looked down at the floor.

“Ok.”

They sat for a long time, not saying a word.

“Do you miss school?” he asked.

“I really don’t think about it too much. Everything is happening so fast with my mom’s condition I just…”

“I am sure it must be all consuming.”

Just then, Dr. Rodriguez came out. She looked at Sarie and paused

“Your mom has a concussion and we want to keep her overnight.”

“Oh. How bad is it?”

“We will have to wait and see”

Sarie just stood there.

“She is resting comfortably and we have her on some meds for the pain.”

“Ok.” was all Sarie could say.

“Can I see her?”

“Sure,” said Dr. Rodriguez leading them back through the Emergency Room.

When they reached Drieke’s partitioned room, they found her fast asleep. Sarie took her mother’s hand and looked down at the floor. “I should have slept downstairs next to her room,” she thought.

“When will she wake up?”

“I’m not sure. We have to wait and see.”

****************************************************************************************

After sitting by Drieke’s bed all night, Sarie woke to the sound of footsteps. When she looked up, she saw Jeremy with two cups in his hands.

“I thought you might want some tea.”

Sarie half smiled.

“Any change?”

“No.”

Jeremy sat in the chair across from her and leaned forward.

“So what is the most amazing place to see here in Cape Town, anyway?”

Sarie looked at him,”Why?”

“I don’t know, I just thought I would take a look around today because Dr. Rodriguez doesn’t need me today.”

“Then, I would say the Marula trees will do.”

“What are Marula trees?”

“They grow throughout South Africa… they are also called Elephant trees. There is a town in the outskirts you could go to called Overberg. It is on the shoreline. My Dad used to…” Sarie paused, “he used to take me there and we would wait to see if the elephants would show up and eat the marula fruit. When they do, it makes them tipsy and they stumble around as if they are dancing.”

“How often did you see that happen?”

“Two times.”

Sarie sat there.

Another doctor that was monitoring Drieke came in. Sarie looked at him and took a deep breath as he took her vitals. He looked at her.

“No change. How long have you been here?”

“Since yesterday morning.”

“You should go get some air. I will call you on your cell if there is any change.”

“Ok.” she said and stared out the window.

Jeremy sat for a while and then turned to Sarie,

“Well, why don’t you show me where it is and you can get out for a while too.”

Sarie looked at Jeremy for a moment.

“OK. My car is outside.Let’s go.”

As they got into the car and started to travel along the highway, Jeremy could see Table Mountain on the horizon and fields dotted with flowers and trees he had never seen before. Sarie pointed to the right as they drove.

“That is a Marula tree.”

Jeremy looked at the tall tree with its dark green foliage. As she slowed, he could see the pale yellow fruit nested in between.
She sped up again and looked straight ahead, remaining silent.

“This would be a great place to drive if someone wanted to escape and just think about things. In Sioux Falls, my hometown, we have these quartz falls right in the center of town that I love to climb and then I just sit and listen to the rush of the water. Somehow it makes everything clear to me.”

Sarie looked at him.

“I have a place like that I go to. It is that mountain you can see in the center of town. “

“How long has it been since you have been out here?”

” I don’t know maybe ten years.” Sarie paused and thought about her last time in the fields with her Dad. How they sat in his jeep and watched the elephants as they shook the marula trees with their trunks and knelt their heads to eat the fruit that dropped to the ground. It now seemed that memories like this were seeping away and being replaced by her bitterness towards him. Soon, she thought, I will forget why I ever loved him. As time went by, she recalled his facial features less and less, the way his voiced sounded, the small details…

Finally, they arrived by the fields and Sarie pulled the car off the freeway and onto the grassy terrain. She found a large stand of marula trees and parked. They sat and waited. In the distance, Jeremy saw movement.

“Sarie, I think I see some gray over there to the left.”

“Yeah! We need to get out and walk very quietly.”

They got out of the Bug and closed the doors gingerly. Sarie went ahead and Jeremy followed her, walking very cautiously. The breeze from Walker Bay went through their hair. Sarie found a clearing with a tree that had fallen and they sat on it and peered through some bushes at three elephants. One appeared to be the mother and there were two smaller ones. The mother took her long gray trunk and wrapped it around the branch and shook it vigorously. The two smaller elephants made a squeaking noise and lowered their trunks to the ground, lifting the pale fruit to their mouths. Sarie and Jeremy sat in complete stillness for about twenty minutes watching them. Then all of a sudden, the mother lifted her head and tried to walk forward, but stumbled to the side as if she were about to trip. Jeremy gasped, trying not to laugh. Sarie smiled at him. It was the first smile he had seen on her face since he arrived at the clinic.

After about thirty more minutes, they got up and headed to the car. Once inside, Jeremy turned to Sarie and said,

“Thank you. That is probably one of the most amazing things I have ever seen.”

Sarie smiled again. Her phone rang.

“Hello? Yes… yes! Thank you! We’ll be right there!”

Sarie roared the car into park and they tore through the field to the highway. Jeremy rolled down his window and looked out at Walker Bay with its inky blue water and white caps that formed staccato marks. He could smell the salt from it and breathed it in. “Yes my God, You are good!,” he thought.

***************************************************************************************

When they arrived at her room, Drieke was eating. She smiled when she saw Sarie.

“Mom, are you OK? Does your head hurt?”

“A little, but they have given me something for it.” she said in a raspy voice.

“I am so glad… you’re Ok. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up.” Tears fell down Sarie’s cheeks. Drieke reached out for her hand.

“The doctor told me you were here all night and the day before. I am so sorry I put you through all that.”

“No!!! DO NOT tell me its your fault. It’s this damn illness’ fault. It’s Dad’s fault, but not YOURS!”

Drieke fell silent and looked down at her lap.

Jeremy stepped out of the room and walked down the hall. He backed up against the wall and lowered his head to pray. Sarie stepped out shortly after, so the doctor could examine Drieke. When Sarie saw Jeremy praying, she walked over to him.

“What are you doing?” she demanded

Jeremy looked up.

“Praying.” he said.

“For what? ” Sarie darted.

“For your mom and you.”

Sarie began to shake.

“Do you really think that praying for us is going to make any bloody difference, do you? She is DYING in there and no one can save her. Who the HELL do you think you are anyway? Did we ask you to pray for us, did we?” She screamed.

“Sarie. I don’t know if it will make any difference or not for you. But I care and I believe that it will.” He strained, “Who are you so angry at? It can’t be me–I hardly know you.“

“I am sure you believe a lot of things.” Sarie yelled

“You’re right, I do. It seems you do too.”

She looked at him.

“What the hell do you mean by that? That I rely on scientific fact and don’t believe some fairytale I was told as a kid?”

“No, I… Sarie, I am just glad you believe in something, anything.”

“Yeah… I do.” She paused and looked at him, and walked away.

For the next several weeks, Drieke and Sarie did not come to the clinic. One afternoon in late July, the clinic phone rang. It was Sarie. Drieke was having a hard time breathing; it was possibly pneumonia.

When they came to the clinic, Jeremy was very careful not to look at Sarie too much, and to close the door behind him. After they were in the room with Dr. Rodriguez for about an hour, Sarie came out and looked at Jeremy.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you back at the hospital,” she said.

“Oh, Sarie, it’s OK. You had every right to feel the way you did, how could you not?”

Sarie stared at Jeremy and put her hand over his.

“Thank you,” she said.

Just then, the door opened and Dr. Rodriguez came out.

“She has pneumonia, Sarie. It is extremely dangerous and we have to be careful here. I am admitting her into the hospital again and putting her into isolation.”

****************************************************************************************

During that week, Sarie watched her mom in isolation. It was as if her reality had become a silent film. She could see people’s mouths moving and she could see everyone around her. She knew they were there, but somehow she was behind the camera. Drieke’s once colorful cheeks had become the hue of over over-washed sheets and her skin was so dry, it had the wrinkled texture of the elephants she and Jeremy had seen a month back.

Sarie imagined her mother’s lungs, like the delicate onion skin paper she and Drieke used to use to create chinese lanterns for New Year’s Eve. The fluid filling her mother’s lungs had to be so much heavier than the lungs could hold. She wanted to hear Drieke’s voice, even as weak as it was. But all she had was silence and her thoughts echoing .

Sarie sat in the commons area of the isolation ward and looked out the window at the courtyard. Jeremy walked in and at down next to her.

“Hi, any word?”

“Sarie turned to him. “No. She just sleeps all the time.”

“I am sure that… you wish you could talk to her.”

Sarie nodded and looked up at Jeremy. They sat without saying anything for a while.

“Jeremy do you believe in life after death?”

“Yes. Do you?”

“No. I believe this is all we have.”

“When you say it, you seem so certain. How can you believe in something that has no proof? I have just never understood that it makes no sense to me. My Dad always taught me to look to science because it is so tangible and its results are so finite.”

“Well, like you, I was raised with the idea of God. It is all I have ever known, and I guess I just can’t imagine a world not being created by Him. But even more important, I believe that God is the source of love and that love is the most powerful force in this life.”

“I agree that love is a powerful force, but not that it comes from some god. It comes from within us as human beings.”

“I know that these last months I have witnessed and been moved very deeply by the love you and your mother have.” Jeremy said.

Sarie welled up.

“I am so sorry Jeremy. I am sorry that I have been so hard on you about what you believe. After getting to know you, I guess I have begun to realize that we are not so different. After all, we both believe that love can be a powerful force.”

Drieke’s doctor walked into the commons area.

“Sarie, her oxygen levels have dropped considerably. You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that…”

Sarie didn’t hear anything after that. She just walked straight into the room and watched Drieke under the plastic, cellophane wrapping. She unzipped the tent and walked inside, sitting on the bed.

“Mom… I know you can’t say anything, so I will just tell you that… that I love you so much, and I am so sorry I wasn’t home sooner than this.”

Drieke’s hand reached to Sarie and pulled her in. Sarie wept deeply, and laid her head over her mother’s chest. As her ear pressed against it, she could hear her mother’s labored heart slow down. Sarie remained there, just listening to its rhythm. Maybe it could bring her closer to her. Maybe if her mother felt her physical presence, it would give them more time.

The next hour was spent in silence, as Drieke’s heart slowly stopped, and Sarie heard its last echo travel through her ear and then to her memory.

******************************************************************

Jeremy and Sarie stood on Table Mountain. She clutched the urn that held her mother’s ashes. Jeremy put his hand on her shoulder as she lowered her head and opened the urn.

“Mom, I hope you will be free now… free to breathe… free to exist without pain….”

And with that, Sarie opened the urn and began to release Drieke’s ashes onto the wind. When she finished, Jeremy pulled her close. Sarie choked up and sobbed.

“I’m here, Sarie, I’m here.” he said.