by Maggie Voysest

Lying to get laid

(Today’s title is thanks to Will)

Gigi seemed to spend her life these days thinking that she’d seen it all and heard it all. And yet, it never failed. Just when she thought nothing else could shock her, she always found something or someone to prove her so wrong, that she wanted to simply run to her laptop to write it all down before she forgot how she was feeling. This time it was a mutual shock, to her and her partner in dating crimes, Helen. Last week Gigi had told herself that she would help screen Helen’s men from now on, so that Helen wasn’t fooled by a man again. Surely Gigi could screen someone else’s man better than she screened her own men? Gigi was always biased or blind about her men, especially if they affected her senses, making it impossible for her to see past the physical effect they had on her. So therefore, she should be able to be a better judge for the men her friends fell for, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong, dead wrong. Couldn’t be more wrong. God, so wrong.

Last week, on the very night of Gigi’s mad 18 hour drive through a blizzard to get to her amazing sex-filled weekend in Virginia, Gigi and Helen had gone dancing for a few hours of release and fun. They had not expected to meet anyone, and after Helen’s last fiasco at the club, they had sworn to not fall for another man’s pretty little lies. Yet from the very first second they met him, Tim fooled and confused both Gigi and Helen so thoroughly, that their heads were still spinning days later. In fact, he had many of Gigi’s face book friends shaking their heads in confusion too. He said it was fate. Fate, Gigi’s sexy ass (sexy ass according to Julian last week. In Gigi’s mind, she had too much of it… large tatas she didn’t mind, large culo was not so good in her mind).

Tim had appeared to be the most wholesome, clean cut, all American man: that perfect man that girls dream of marrying one day. Gigi would have sworn up and down and sideways that he was not, and never had been a player of any kind. In fact, she even gave them her approval (Note to readers: if Gigi ever tells you to believe in a man, run…run for the hills and leave everything behind. And if she tells you she has found the perfect man, please have him investigated asap and send her the results before she or her friends lose their heart).

Tim was tall, in good shape, and nice looking, though not overly so. He was going prematurely bald, and had more of a friendly face than a gorgeous one, but he was in no way ugly. He did have a rather sexy cleft on his chin, or is that a dimple? (whatever Kirk Douglas had, is what Tim has). He was well-educated and had a great job as a stock broker. He was in his early 30’s, had never been married, had no kids, and totally did not come across as a player at a club looking for some booty. He came across as an adorably shy, self-conscious, “aw shucks” kind of guy, one who did not have a whole bunch of confidence in his ability to pick up women. Every word that fell from his lips seemed so truthful. He would have convinced the most cynical of women that he was for real. You’d think that by now Gigi and Helen would have a better bullshit detector. Don, one of the newest fans of Gigi’s memoirs said that this is just what Gigi needs: a bullshit detector, and jokingly said he thought they sell them at Walmart. God, if only… How great would that be? You meet someone new, run a scan on them, and before you know it, you get blinking red lights that turn on, twirl around, with a mechanical voice yelling and screaming “Bullshit… bullshit…bullshit” so you can run away, safe and sound from any future harm. Maybe it could also give him an electric shock? Just a small one. Not a harmful one, just painful enough to stop him from throwing those bullshit lines on the next poor, unsuspecting woman…

That detector would have gone off loud and clear last weekend. It would not have been fooled by Tim. Not like Gigi and Helen were fooled. Helen and Tim hit it off from the minute they met, and were in each other’s arms from the get go. He even kept hugging Gigi, telling both of them how sweet and cute and wonderful they both were. Gigi and Helen both lapped it up, and believed every creamy, sugary lie. Are women really that naïve and gullible? Damn!! Helen was her usual cute and sweet, innocent flirty self. Tim acted as though he were in seventh heaven, looking at her as though he could not quite believe his eyes that she had chosen him to talk to. He kept telling Gigi how cute her friend was, and how much he liked her. Gigi told him right away that Helen was a good girl, and not interested in anything casual. Gigi told him that she was the bad one, although Helen had a good influence on calming her down. He thought that was so sweet, that they balanced each other off so well.

That night began with so much fun. Gigi and Helen were on fire, and men were chasing them all night long. Men of all ages and sizes and colors. Gigi got several weird ones, walking by her and then standing by her, just looking at her with oh so goofy smiles. Gigi had to bite her lip not to burst out laughing. Helen had some take her in their arms to dance with, and Gigi had to peel her away, with Helen gratefully taking her hand and running away “Off to the bathroom, sorry.” I think Gigi even told one man that Helen was hers and that she wasn’t sharing.

They weren’t all ugly and goofy though. At one point, funnily enough during the song “It’s Raining Men,” Gigi had a gorgeous (black, of course) guy do a slow, teasing dance just for her, unbuttoning his shirt and showing off his perfect abs, making her heart go all aflutter. Tim’s friend Greg, a body building type was also all over Gigi, telling her she was so hot, and that teachers were just so wild and sexy. He was gorgeous, even though he was white, and not usually what Gigi went for, but after all, abs are abs, no matter what color they are.

Gigi and Greg danced some sexy dances, and soon exchanged some amazing kisses…. Mmmm mmmm mmmm, according to her, boy could he kiss!! There wasn’t much in his upstairs mental department though, and Gigi could tell that he was the king of players. His eyes roved around the club looking at girls, while dancing with Gigi, and he’d disappear for long moments at a time, to dance with other women. Even Tim admitted that his friends were players, rushing to say that of course, he was nothing like that. Bullshit!! Where’s that detector again? Gigi had a fleeting moment of “How nice it would be if Helen and I dated guys who were best friends?” Of course she knew that what she and Greg would indulge in would be quick and over all too soon, and nothing to do with dating at all. But maybe he could become a casual booty thing… and Gigi is not one to turn down good booty.

Tim actually told Gigi to keep all those men away from Helen, telling Helen that she was his now. Aghhh and a belated puking reaction!! Gigi had thought that was so cute of him, and she did just that all night, having to drag Helen away from several men, once they exchanged their password of “Please get me away from this man!!” Their password? They’d ask each other how their sons were doing. And if the answer was “not so well”, they knew that they needed rescuing from the man at hand.

The night also had a funny twist to it, as they ran into some Latino friends of theirs (one soon to star in his own Helen chapter, who just so happened to be the other bad choice Gigi and Helen had made a month or so ago). Gigi and Helen had fun ignoring Abel all night, and he sent some angry looks at Helen in Tim’s arms. He actually had the gall towards the end of the night to ask Gigi if she wanted to come to an after hours party at his house. Are you kidding me? After what he did to Helen? I won’t go into detail, since you will read about it soon for yourself, if you are also reading Helen’s dating memoirs that is, which if you aren’t, you really should be… As Ana says, their stories mesh so well together, and she will be in line to buy the book when it comes out… but you can imagine what could have happened with a “lying to get laid” Latino gigolo.

The night was nowhere near being ended when Tim invited Gigi and Helen to a party at the house of a woman who was also at the club. Gigi thought she was a long time friend of his, only to find out later that he and his friends, Greg and Todd had met her and her two friends just two weeks ago. They exchanged addresses, and off they went to the party. Tim even rode in the car with Gigi and Helen, something they never do unless they feel comfortable with the guy. Bullshit detector please!!! Whoever invents one will be richer than Bill Gates.

Once at the party, Gigi began to feel the first stirrings of doubt. Rather than hang out with her and the woman who owned the house, Tim and his friends each took a woman and disappeared into a room with her. Tim of course took Helen into the sun room (what a deceiving word for a cold room in a Michigan winter). Todd took Nugget, whom he‘d been dancing with all night. (Nugget? Seriously? Who calls herself Nugget?) And body builder Greg? Well, he totally ignored the kisses shared with Gigi earlier that night, and took Blondie (nameless to this day, and not even a cute blonde, but a frumpy, blowsy, sleazy blonde). So Gigi was left with a rather earthy, artsy fartsy, kooky Pam, who seemed really nice, and they sang songs, and drank beer, and ate Christmas cookies. Gigi checked on Helen a few times, since she had had quite a bit to drink, but she and Tim were both fully clothed and just making out. Soon Helen and Tim moved to the guest bedroom over the garage, but they were on top of the bed, still dressed. Gigi had to let Helen make her own choices at some point or another, and trusting Tim as she did, thought they’d be ok.

The first to reappear, after some rather obvious booty taking, was Nugget. Todd soon left saying that he had a babysitter to relieve. And that’s when it all started. The lies began to appear and the sad truths revealed. Both Todd and Nugget were married, and of course, not to each other. They’d met two weeks ago, and had hooked up a few times already. Pam had a husband and a boyfriend, one of each. Greg was recently divorced and who knows about Blondie. And Tim, you may ask? That was the worst of all. At least Greg was free to do as he liked. Todd and Nugget had told each other they were married and so were not deceiving each other (their unsuspecting spouses? Yes, of course, they were being unknowingly deceived, but such is life, and things like this happen all too often). Tim? Remember that Tim had told both Helen and Gigi that he was single and free. One of the times that Gigi peeked in on them, she heard him telling Helen that she was everything he wanted, and that he could so easily fall in love with her. She’d smiled sweetly and quietly walked away.

Nugget soon joined (some quick booty that was!!) Pam and Gigi and they were laughing and singing and befriending each other on face book. And suddenly Nugget mentioned Tim’s upcoming wedding.

“What wedding? Tim who?” asked Gigi innocently.

“Tim Tim. The one with your friend Helen. Didn’t you know he’s getting married on New Year’s Eve, just a few days away? He was even joking about how Greg should take Blondie (insert her real name here. Gigi was so mad she never heard it). Oh oh… what’s wrong,” said Nugget, as Gigi stood up so quickly, that the stool next to her fell over. “Doesn’t Helen know he’s getting married?”

Gigi was so spitting furious mad, she could have blown the house down, with all the lying cheating people in it. She grabbed her coat and bag, and went for the front door. Nugget stopped her, asking her to please not tell Helen. Not tell her best friend she was making out with the worst of scumbags? I don’t think so. Not in this lifetime. Gigi agreed to tell Helen once they left, only out of respect for being a guest in someone’s home, no matter if it had turned out to be a den of iniquity.

She ran over to the guest house, knocked on the door and told Helen in Spanish, so Tim wouldn’t understand, that they had to leave. Helen told her they’d be right out, but almost 15 minutes passed, and Gigi went back, not wanting Helen to spend one more minute with that liar. She told her, again in Spanish, that there was something she didn’t know, and that they had to leave right away. Gigi almost felt like throwing up, as Tim acted so sweet and innocent, telling them to drive carefully and that he’d miss them.

Once they were outside, she told Helen that Tim was getting married in five days. Helen went all quiet, and Gigi’s heart broke, as she listened to all the lies Tim had told Helen. He’d said how much he liked her, and how he wanted her to be with his girl friend, how he wanted to have children with her and travel with her. And then he’d told her that he was leaving in a week. So true. On his honeymoon. But of course, he didn’t admit to that itsy bitsy honeymoon detail, saying instead that he was going to Dubai on business for two months, but that he wanted to see her as much as possible until he left, and keep in contact by phone and email, and see her the minute he got back. Helen had agreed to all of this, thinking he was so perfect, and just what she was looking for.

“God,” they both thought, “What if Nugget hadn’t mentioned the wedding?” How long would it have taken Helen to find out? Thankfully Helen had only made out rather heavily with Tim, and had not gone all the way, although he’d done his best to change her mind.

Gigi and Helen were flabbergasted and bewildered all the snowy way home, asking themselves how they could have been so deceived yet again. Once they got home, they googled him to look for wedding announcements. Gigi called his cell phone to check out his last name, and within seconds, he called Gigi back. She asked him if it was true that he was getting married, and the lying, cheating snake, denied, denied, denied to the very bitter end. He was still so good and so convincing, that Gigi almost believed him again. He asked to talk to Helen, and he told her that Nugget had been lying, that he barely knew her and that he’d only just met those girls. He again told Helen that he was single. He did admit to be seeing some woman, but said it wasn’t serious, especially since he was leaving soon. He told Helen that he hoped he’d see her again, even though it would be hard with his going away, and he began to change his tune of constant communication and dating long distance.

Armed with his last name, Gigi found the irrefutable proof within seconds. Tim (and his very unusual last name) was registered at three bridal registries, which all confirmed a New Year’s Eve wedding. Another brainwave later, and Gigi found his poor fiancee on face book, with a photo of guess who? Herself and the lying, cheating Tim. Gigi and Helen spent some time wondering if they should tell the fiancee what had happened. They both ended up sending her messages on face book, giving her enough details about Tim (and what he looked like under his shirt), that they should have been believed. Tim called Gigi once, but she ignored the phone, not trusting herself, and not wanting to inflame the situation. After all, she and Helen have kids, and don’t need trouble from lying scumbags. The cheated upon fiancee (or almost cheated upon, since Helen didn’t consummate anything)? Well, she never answered their messages, but within a day had either blocked them from face book or taken down her face book account totally.

Gigi and Helen had no idea what happened, whether or not the wedding was cancelled or postponed, whether she gave him hell or believed the lies he must have told her about two crazy women. Both Gigi and Helen felt bad about telling the fiancee, but they felt they had to do it, so she would at the very least go into the marriage knowing what had happened, and could easily happen again (especially with his life style of a lot of “traveling”). Gigi even had a discussion on face book about whether or not the fiancee should be told, and everyone who read it, except for one or two, said that Gigi and Helen must tell her. The fiancee was a teacher like Gigi and Helen, and they felt that they had this responsibility to tell her. After all, both Helen and Gigi knew all too well what it is like for the man they love to cheat on them. They might never know what happened between Tim and his poor bride to be. They might never know whether or not Tim was a total player, or had just happened to catch Helen’s eye that night, and thought he could get lucky before his wedding. Thank God for Helen and her high moral standards. And shame on Tim and his low ones. Gigi and Helen swore that one day, when they had enough money, they would have him investigated, and if they ever found proof of his cheating ways, they’d let him have it. Why oh why, had they forgotten Helen’s camera at home? Just one photo of the two of them smooching, and they would have had all the proof they needed.

After yet another failure, Gigi and Helen lost even more hope in this crazy dating world of cheats, liars, and confused people. Helen bought another toy and more batteries and swore she’d be celibate for the whole of 2010. Gigi knew that Helen could do it if she wanted to. She had an inner strength that Gigi lacked, or maybe one that Gigi didn’t want to cultivate, liking sex as much as she does. As for Gigi’s New Year resolution? Could she try not to believe in men so quickly and implicitly? She promised to at least try…

Gigi had had her own share of men lying to her just to get laid. She just didn’t realize it happened most of the time, since she was always in for some fun and rolling around in the sack. She sometimes even made it perfectly clear that she was content with casual sex. In fact, Gigi had a hard time remembering the last man who’d had to lie to her to get that booty. It had been a long time since Gigi had gone out on a date, a real date, one that could hopefully lead to a relationship. It was probably with David, over two years ago. Since he broke her heart, Gigi had given up on looking for true love.

Gigi had met and slept with many men since then, but only a few had struck her fancy, and had had the promise of going beyond booty, and we all know after reading so many chapters of her memoirs, that Gigi met men who just wanted casual, or ran away when things threatened to get too serious. The only ones who had come close since David had been her three Mr. Browns, and neither of those had lasted more than a few months. Oscar, her poet had never fallen in love with her, and had left Gigi for another woman. He was not a player, and was a great man, and still a good friend of Gigi’s, and was now happily engaged to be married to a very nice, young woman. Niles had come in and out of Gigi’s life, unable to face the divorce he wanted, but couldn’t quite go through with. And her sailor Julian? Well, he lived too far away and was married to his career, and to his other mistress, the Navy and its ships and naval bases that were nowhere near Gigi.

Why bother even mentioning again the men who had pretended to want a relationship with Gigi? There had been a few, some mentioned before and some not even worth mentioning. Gigi knew all too well that they had all just been for fun, that she had never cared for any of them, nor had she been in the slightest bit heartbroken when they left after their pleasures were met. Gigi realized she knew what she wanted her New Year’s resolution to be:

• to indulge in booty with men she already knew who wouldn’t hurt her
• to give her heart a few months to heal before even looking for something serious
• to spend more time trying to find the right guy
• to not believe in men so easily
• to not jump into bed with him until the relationship had a chance to develop on its own
• to be happy just being alone

And if you believe that Gigi can do any or all of the above, please let me know, because she has had a pretty rotten last few months, and needs some encouragement from her fans. She is simply tired of crying, tired of believing, tired of trying. Men come and go in her life, and most of the time these days, they simply pop up into her life. She hasn’t actively looked for a man in over seven months. She’s gone out with men who contact her on the two dating sites on her Iphone. She’s given boomerang boyfriends several chances. She’s flirted with the idea of being with men she met at clubs.

What else does Gigi have to do? Find religion? Join an exercise club? Hang out in coffee shops and book stores? Where the heck does one find a good man? God, was she even seriously considering doing the whole match.com/eharmony thing again? Could she really get all done up to go on yet another blind date, that was supposedly going towards a relationship? Could she have booty with her booty men and simply date those blind dates without sharing more than just a kiss or two, and making them wait for that gosh darned milk? Couldn’t she just BUY a mail order husband somewhere? Do they have Russian or Filipino grooms to go along with those brides? Could she just pick one out from a catalog? Find a single father at a school function? Look for one in the grocery store? Should she settle for the reliable 50 year old man in her life, who took her out for dinner and a movie, but was nowhere near as passionate as she needed? Could Gigi be happy with just her sons, her girl friends, her toys, and writing her memoirs? What would 2010 bring Gigi? Please, just one nice, decent, passionate man. Just one man for Gigi and one for Helen. Wait, one for Kelly too, since boat guy is gone. Oh and one for Brie, since she deserves a good one. For Susan to find what she is looking for, and for Mary to continue doing well with her man. Gees, I think that’s looking for too many nice men!! So we know Gigi is S.O.L… And yet, I think Gigi could truly find happiness and hope if she could see just one of her favorite girls find that evasive, ephemeral true love.

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About Paquita Roth: Paquita Roth is originally from Spain, where she was a journalist and interpreter for the Majorca Daily Bulletin. She currently lives in Michigan with her two teenage children, and teaches Spanish and English. Writing and dancing are her passions. She is now highly allergic to dating. Check out her blog on dating at http://www.adventuresindating.net

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