Helen’s First Love, Continued

While the waves crash into the shore, my eyes begin to droop as the lullaby of the waves nearly rock me to sleep. I can’t help but feel the old ache in my heart coming back, as I sit by the sea and look out over the big, blue water that seems to go on forever. Although it’s been ten years since that misty night so long ago, as each wave crashes, it seems to bring with it an old memory of the love that I had with Andrew. I think of him sometimes, but here, where we used to frequently vacation and where we grew up playing side by side, the ache is almost unbearable.

It is as if I wish he could materialize just to talk. Just to remember with me what we had, but acknowledge that it no longer exists. So that I can move on and never feel this again. But, alas, I know that I will for the rest of my days. I know that each time I hear his voice, which is burned into my brain or see his features, which I could draw on paper only using my memory, I know the truth. I know that he and I will never be again. I know with certainty that we have both moved on. I compare it to a beautiful figurine that is loved, but has been broken, and had pieces of it glued back so many times that it cannot be glued again because it will never be the same.

As the waves crash into the shore and then wash out again, I drift lazily off to sleep and go back to the moment when Andrew drove out of the driveway that night as the mist was softly falling down. It, along with my tears, felt like it took my heart and plummeted onto the ground. I didn’t know how I was going to ever recover, but I knew I did the right thing. I walked into my parents house to my mother who was outraged at what I had done.

“Helen,” she yelled. “You march right out there and drive to his house and fix this. If you don’t, you will always regret it and think about him forever. He will always be the one who got away”.

“But, Mom.” I said, desperate for her to know even an inkling of how I was feeling. “We are just living in two completely different worlds right now. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to continue on right now. If we are meant to be, we will be together one day”.

“No, Helen,” she said fervently, “You go over there and fix this now.”

Knowing that my mom wasn’t the type to give in and because we mix like oil and water, (God bless her for her dedication to things) I simply agreed with her and knew it would be easier to get in my car and drive somewhere, anywhere but there. As I came to the main road to turn onto, I realized I could either go right and drive to Andrew, or I could go left and drive to my best friend, Darcy.

As I turned left that night, I knew I had truly made up my mind that I did the right thing. I ended up, minutes later, on Darcy’s front door step in my pajamas and crying tears that I thought would never stop.

Alas, I knew my mother would be looking for me. So, that night, Darcy and I went out to a little pub in a neighboring town that was chock full of people. Although I was quite embarrassed about still being in my flannel pajamas, I didn’t care. However, the best part of the whole thing was when a guy approached me and started hitting on me.

I said, “Really, dude? I am wearing pajamas right now! I just broke up with my long-term boyfriend and have serious issues. Are you still interested?”

As the poor guy walked away, dejected, Darcy and I couldn’t help but giggle. Some people just never stop trying, do they? We got up to leave that night and I asked Darcy if she still held her first love in her heart. She said that she always would. Darcy and I left the pub that night knowing that although I had broken up with Andrew, it wouldn’t be the last that I would see him and surely not be the last time I thought of him.

Right we were as the years passed by. I continued to see him at graduation parties, weddings, and in pictures from people on his side of the family. As I have said, news travels fast in small towns, so there were always opportunities to hear about what was going on in one another’s lives.

Five years after our break up was when I had met my ex-husband, Jonah. Things were beginning to get serious with Jonah, although I still thought about Andrew from time to time. At the time, I was working for the state and had a boring desk job. Since I was on “idle” most of my days at work and bored to tears, I had too much time to think. Deep down, I think I secretly knew that I wasn’t meant to be with Jonah and I still loved Andrew, despite my many attempts of failed relationships that I became involved with to try and forget him.

Curiousity got the best of me one day when I had the epiphany that I should send Andrew a card, telling him that I still thought of him and give him some way to contact me again if he so desired, as I had moved off to a different part of the state and my contact information had changed.

I thought, “If he answers me back, then it was meant to be and I will know that my heart doesn’t belong to Jonah after all. It belongs to Andrew”.

So, I went out that day on my lunch hour and bought a cute card with a golden retriever on the front (the kind of dog he had in the past) and wrote a quick note to him and slipped it in the mail.

The next thing that happened was pretty funny. My card was actually returned in the mail. Like the old Elvis song goes, it simply said, “Return to Sender, Address unknown”. “Huh”, I simply said out loud, as I turned the card over and over in my hands that day on my way back from the mailbox. “I guess God is giving me a sign that is pretty loud and clear, isn’t he?”

From then on, I pushed Andrew out of my mind and went on to move in with Jonah months later and two years later, married him. From then on, as you already know, it ended in a horrible divorce. As my divorce went on, my family members would casually bring up that Andrew was still single and perhaps I should phone him to see how he was doing. I know now that I wasn’t ready for anything, but eventually was talked into doing something silly once again by my dear, sweet sister.

I decided to send Andrew a lame Easter card updating him that I was back in town and leaving him my ever-changing contact details. I laugh now thinking of it because I am so embarrassed. Of course, I had it all poetically spelled out, exactly what I wanted to tell him so many times over in my head, especially that I was sorry for being so immature during the course of our relationship, and that after all these years, I still thought about him. Instead, I ended up jotting down, “Hey there, Andrew. I just wanted to let you know that I am back in town and if you ever want to hang out, give me a call”.

Suprisingly enough, I didn’t hear back from Andrew (Insert laugh track). Then, as if that isn’t bad enough, I continued with my idiocracy and assumed that there was a chance that he hadn’t received the card because I hadn’t heard back from him. So, I yet again turned to the internet and looked him up. Yes, face book, thank you very much once again for the charming details and mode of communication, so that I could officially get rejected.

Before I tell you what this silly email said, let me tell you where it came from. I had just come back from a weekend retreat with my therapist and other crazies (Ha, ha, just kidding… we all need a little help finding our sense of “normal” sometimes. I am one of them; my ex-husband really did a number on me). So, after the weekend, when I was feeling that I was going to change the world and fix everything that I had done wrong, he popped up on my list.

Call it my bucket list, things that I wanted to do before I died. My thing with him was to tell him how sorry I was about being immature and hurting him through the course of our relationship. I wanted to thank him for teaching me how to love someone. Are you cringing yet? Are you biting your lip out of embarrassment for me? Well, please go ahead and do because this is what I ended up sending him in an email over facebook:

“Hi there, Andrew. I am not sure how often you check this, but I wanted to send you a message anyway. I was thinking of sending you a letter in the mail, but didn’t want to possibly make waves in your life unnecessarily (as I have heard that you may live with someone). Since it has been about ten years since we’ve dated (has it been that long?!) I don’t know your life’s story anymore. I made a sort of “bucket list” the other day and you happened to be on it. I just didn’t know the best way to contact you and how I might communicate with you. So, I will attempt this awkwardness on Facebook.

I was given an assignment and it was what we would do if we had a year to live. My final note was to find you and tell you thank you for who you have been to me in my life. Honestly, for years, I have been attempting to do this. I just have been too tongue tied to tell you in person when I have seen you. Words haven’t seemed adequate enough to describe what I have wanted to say. But, I will try.

I realize that I am a much different, more whole woman now than I was when we dated. I wanted to thank you for loving me and your generosity and patience with me, despite my need to grow and my immaturity. I will never forget the day you drove to my university to fix my car. Or all of the things you did for me without question, selflessly and out of love and kindness. Essentially, you helped shape the man in my mind who I would one day look for in a life partner.

This message is not one of hope and pleading for you to come back to me. I realize it has been ten years and we have both become very different people than what we once were. I also realize that people move on, as do hearts. I realize that everything happens for a reason in the time that it should.
I just wanted to tell you what an amazing person you were to have in my life. If I ever am lucky enough to have more kids one day and end up having a daughter, I will pray that my daughter not only dates someone like you, but ends up with him. I will pray that she not only does that, but also that she does not take him for granted. I have learned over the years that I took you for granted… and for all of the immaturity and selfishness I displayed, I am sorry.

Thank you for who you were. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for giving me hope that there are good people out there. I pray that life brings you all the beauty and kindness and love that you have given to others throughout your life. I know it will. Good luck with all that you do. I do hope that the next time I see you (I am sure that I will at some point) that this doesn’t make it awkward. I just wanted to say thank you. I know God has big plans for your life.
Sincerely,
Helen”

Re-reading that really makes me say, “Wow. I can’t believe I told him that!” But ultimately, I am glad that I did. Why not? What have I got to lose besides my dignity? (Just kidding). I am glad that I didn’t bottle it up any longer. Because after ten years or so of holding that back, I felt like a tea-kettle on the stove that was about ready to explode. I am so glad that I did that. However, my pride was a bit hurt when he responded almost immediately:

“Helen,
Well I don’t know about all that, but thanks for the kind words. Sorry to hear about you and your Ex, that had to be tuff. Holly there never has been any hard feelings for me, I knew when you left for college that we would most likely grow apart, we did and that’s life. I wish you the very best and don’t be so hard on yourself, there are plenty of good men/better men than me out there waiting for someone like you. Take care and I’ll see you around. -Andrew”

Logging on to my account for the following days were torture. I wanted to write him back again, but knew that his email was pretty conclusive. He was done, and I should be, too. Despite his grammatical errors, I am so glad that he did, but wanted to smack myself out of embarrassment after reading his response. Although I shouldn’t have, after reading his email many times, I couldn’t resist. I had to send him a message back:

“Thanks, Andrew. I have just always had so much to tell you through the years and have never been able to. Thanks for taking the time to read my message. Life for me has been crazy these past couple years, but I have the most beautiful little boy and had quite the character building experience that makes me who I am as a result of it. Life gets better every day. Take care”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I knew that I would still run into him and pretend that I never put my heart out on the chopping block when it was the most vulnerable. How silly of me. I don’t know what I had expected. I guess, for him to talk to me. Overall, what I really wanted was to open the lines of communication once and again and enter again a new world of possibilities. How stupid I am sometimes. How naïve and so very much like a child. They say that most people lose their innocence and naïveté as they get older. I think that I am still holding on to mine because the main company that I keep is that of a two year old. So to me, it is hard to get reminded that the whole world isn’t made out of gumdrops and candy canes and everyone doesn’t love each other as they should. Oh well, as they say, so it goes.

As I sit here now on the porch of my uncle’s cottage as my son naps, I am at peace. Sad, but at peace with knowing that the Andrew chapter in my life has come to an official close. However, as I sit here, I jump slightly as I hear the phone ring and my uncle tells me that he and Andrew are planning on coming up to the cottage to go fishing.

“Oh man, here we go again.” I think excitedly, but almost immediately yell at myself, “I have to snap out of it, he doesn’t want me anymore!”

But underneath, I think, no, I am certain that perhaps there are still embers that burn there in his heart for me, as well. Now that the day has come to a close, I can look back and now see the truth with clairvoyance .

All day long, Gideon and I sat there and played on the beach, anxiously awaiting our guests. As the rumble of Andrew’s truck engine neared, I couldn’t help but be anxious. I had no idea what to expect or how I would end up reacting to his presence. However, a funny thing happened. When I saw him and said my hellos, my stomach didn’t flip-flop. My heart didn’t fly up into my throat. Nothing actually happened, which was weird. I wondered if I was freed of the burden of having this pain in my heart that I have had for so long.

However, during the day, as my son and I played outside on the beach and Andrew stopped by to converse, it was much like the ten years apart never happened. It would be so easy just to fall back into everything with him. The day flew by like a blur and I had just finished putting Gideon to bed. As I sat out on the lovely sun porch and listened to the waves sing me that oh so familiar lullaby, I saw my uncle and Andrew headed out on their boat.

Although we are no longer in a relationship, although I have no obligation to do so, I convinced myself to stay up and continue writing in case they needed something when they got back. Hours later, face washed and chapters written, I again heard the rumble of an engine, this time being their boat.

“Andrew, I can’t find the dock! It’s too dark!” I heard my uncle yell.

“I think I see a light, Vince. I think I see Helen right there out on the sun porch. Let’s guide the boat that way”.

I heard Andrew yell in response. As I heard their voices say this, I jumped up automatically in response, grabbed a flashlight, slipped on tennis shoes and ran like hell out to the dock where they were attempting to dock their boat.

“Hey, guys.” I said, as I run the length of the dock and shone the flashlight on them.

“Whoa there, girl. Slow down, you are making me panic,” said Andrew in his teasing, yet condescending voice. “Just give us a hand with getting the boat in the hoist and helping Uncle Vince.”

I did all that he asked embarrassedly and felt stupid. I shouldn’t have run out there, looking so eager to help. However, as we all began to laugh and talk as we walked down the beach, my self-consciousness slipped away as I began to have fun. Eventually, we made our way inside the cabin and found ourselves laughing over old memories and eating pizza. As we devoured our pizza, Andrew and I talked about the many different memories from the past as our uncle happily looked on. We actually could have been talking about anything under the sun and he wouldn‘t have known, as he is very hard of hearing.

I even brought up the red jogging pants story and almost getting caught by my parents (look back at my last chapter for that hilarious bit), which made us both crack up in laughter once again.

To my surprise, as the night wore on, I found that Andrew remembered more specific details than I did to many of our memories. I know, deep down, he still cares and probably always will. The only thing I remember thinking during all of this as I sat there, feeling elated that I finally got to converse with him was, “I thought I might only ever get this chance in heaven. To sit here, talk and apologize over old, stupid things that happened. How great this is”.

As all good things do, however, this also came to an end. My uncle had gone off to bed, leaving Andrew and I sitting at the table still sharing memories. I don’t know if I was just feeling comfortable, but finally, it flew out of my mouth, “Gosh, Andrew. You have no idea how much I remember and think about from our times together. It’s almost as if they happened yesterday. Do you think about things, too?”

It was as if a lightning bolt hit Andrew at that moment and woke him up. As he looked at me in the eyes, the only response he gave me was, “I have to go, Helen”.

“Okay”, I said, because up to this point, I had felt as if I were rather loony at still holding onto my past so much. “But, answer this one question, will you, please? Do you think about everything as much as I do?”

As he ran out the door, he yelled over his shoulder, “Maybe I do, maybe I don’t, Helen!”

And, as the door closed that night, so did my chapter on Andrew and I. Finally, I had gotten my wish to speak with him face to face. Finally, he gave me his answer that this was all officially over. Because, it all would have been so easy to start again.

I believe that night, Andrew did as I had done so many years ago. He used silence to speak louder than any words that he could have mustered. So, to my Andrew and to many wonderful and funny memories, I accept that they are just memories. Although it pains me, I can finally say, “Goodbye, dear Andrew, and thank you”.

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