Just when you think it can’t get any worse… it does.

After going on my little trip of self-discovery, I was certain that I was fed up with men. Especially after having to fend off the crazy firefighter, wasting three months with David, and spending countless hours searching for men that led to nowhere… I was done. Oh sure, I would still casually check my online profile and see if there were any cute guys who were inquiring about me. However, after the last encounter I was chanting a daily mantra underneath my breath: “I don’t need a man to be happy. No looking, no searching.”

Now, when I look back at it all (two years later), I can honestly chant that mantra and believe it. I haven’t been on a date in months, and I am still not sure when I will ever be ready to date again. However, two years ago, having men interested in me was like needing air to breathe. Why? I am not sure why. I think that it was all truly about building my self esteem up again after my ex-husband had so carelessly torn it down to the lowest that it had ever been.

That said, I lasted almost forty-eight hours of chanting my new “mantra” before I went back online and again began searching for my perfect man. I logged onto my profile and began checking off boxes that
consisted of my usual search criteria for a man: Height: Over 6’0, Build: Athletic? Check. Slender? Check. Stocky? Well… I guess. Extra baggage? What the hell does that mean? Is that online code for fat? Well, out of curiosity… I thought that I would check it and see what kind of matches it came up with. Okay… religion? Catholic. Likes or has kids? Check. Eye color? Well, as long as he has eyes, that’s fine by me. Hair color? Again, no preference. Hell at this point, I don’t even care if I get someone that is good looking and bald. I finished up the last of my criteria and pushed enter to find the website’s little words on the screen for quite awhile: searching for potential matches. Finally, after two torturous minutes, my answer came up that should have told me to log off right then and there: No matches found.

So, like an idiot, I went back to my search criteria and unchecked religion, going with the notion that as long as they believe in God, I am good. Next, I unchecked height. Okay, at the very least they have to be at least 5’8”. I don’t want to feel like I am going to have to carry them over the threshold when we get married. Also, if there is ever a robber, I don’t want to be the one leading the pack with the flashlight because I am the one that the robber would run from. (Ahem, ex-husband… yes it really did happen. ) Next, I moved onto age. Okay, I guess I can go a bit younger than myself, but no more than two years younger and no more than ten years older. Then, I moved onto education. Okay, as long as they are gainfully employed, I guess not everyone needs a college education to be successful, right? For example, look at all of the people that have built their businesses up from the ground such as contractors or roofing companies. Alright, I guess we will let that one slide. As long as they do not have any grammatical errors in their profiles and don’t mix up the verbs “seen” and “saw“, they will be fine.

After two days of changing my search criteria, a very handsome, slender, tall, Christian man (hey, we can’t all be perfect) messaged me a very simple salutation. I was so excited to check out his profile that I nearly squealed with glee. Finally! Someone normal! Finally, someone educated! Wait, oh wait… he is nearly forty, but that is alright. I am thirty-one, I can swing this. Perhaps this just means that he is more mature than most I have dated. He will have a 401K, he will have a plan for the future, etc. Oh wait, wait… as I scrolled down his profile page, I saw that he was in Georgia. Shit, shit, shit.

That day, I messaged him back to tell him that it would never work because were G.U. (geographically undesirable… not my term, but a friend’s), and it turned out that he had an amazing sense of humor. We instantly began communicating as though we had known each other for years, but simply lost contact for a brief stint of time. Both he and I knew that long distance relationships didn’t work, so we decided to talk just as friends. However, even over the computer, we had undeniable chemistry. Soon, we were talking on the phone every single night for at least an hour’s time. After two months time, we were dying to see each other and no longer looking on the websites for other matches. By this time, even though it sounds crazy, we were already thinking of a potential future.

Finally, the day came when Jack wanted to come and visit all the way from Georgia. I was beyond myself with excitement and fear. What if I wasn’t what he had imagined me to be? What if… what if… what if? I continued to torture myself, as I drove to the airport to pick him up. On the way to the airport, my phone began to ring and I picked it up, smiling and seeing that it was Jack. His plane had just landed and he was getting off the plane as we spoke.

“Oh my gosh, this is really happening!” I squealed into the phone. “Are you sure that you really want to do this?!”

“Well, darlin’, I didn’t come all this way to Michigan for nothing, especially in the month of November”. He said in his charming, Southern drawl.

“Oh, I know, I am just beside myself with excitement, nerves, you name it! I mean, what if you see me and want to run the other way?” I asked.

“Helen, there is nothing that would make me run away from you. Oh, by the way…” He began, but then cut himself off.

“What honey, what? Tell me, please?” I said, full of nerves and anticipation.

“Well,” he began, as I parked my car and began walking through the doors of the airport terminal, “I wanted to tell you something about myself. My picture is actually from ten years ago. I may look a little different than what my pictures look like.”

“Okay, well I am sure that you can’t look that differently, sweetie. I have fallen in love with you over the phone and with the man that you are even without looks. Everything else is just icing on the cake. Like Tom Hanks says in “You’ve Got Mail” when he is talking about Meg Ryan, before he sees what she looks like, ‘This person is the most adorable creature I have ever gotten to know. If she is even as good looking as a mailbox, I swear, I will marry her.’ Honey, that’s how I feel about you. You are adorable, sweet, and sexy all in one package.”

However, as the words came out of my mouth, I rounded the corner, and there he was, staring back at me. There were his green eyes and his tall figure. I smiled at him and ran to him, like I have never run to anyone before. But, as I reached him and he tossed his bag aside, I noticed that his shape was not as athletic as he had described. Instead, as I hugged him, it was as though I was being picked up and swung around by the Pillsbury doughboy. I thought if I only poked him in his gigantic belly, he would let out that silly little squeal that the character was so well known for. Nevertheless, he had come this far and I couldn’t just chuck the poor guy for being a little (okay, a lot) different than his photo now, could I? How shallow would that be?

The four days that he was at my apartment went superbly. There were many factors, however that made our whole encounter run so smoothly, and one confession that I have yet to admit. For starters, Jack adored my son. Since my son always comes first in my life, it is a must that the men in my life try to connect with him. Gideon and Jack instantly connected, which made my heart soar. Looks were nothing when compared to these huge things in life. “Besides“, I frequently thought, “Gideon and I could move to Georgia in the warm, beautiful weather, and we could all get in shape together, right?” Secondly, the timing of his visit was wonderful. We had a blast together and almost felt as if we were a family just out doing family things. It was such an exciting time as I thought, “So, this is what is supposed to be like, isn’t it? No wonder why people have more than one child. It is so much more manageable with help. Wow.”

The confession that I have that pushed my relationship into overdrive with Jack and didn’t allow me to see the red warning flags that I should have otherwise seen with him, was something personal. At the time, I was going through quite an ordeal with my ex-husband. I had been awarded full custody of our son, and he was choosing to visit sporadically. We didn‘t have the ability to communicate civilly with one another, and my son cried when he had to be around him. For this reason, I was scared. I was scared that I was entrusting with this perfect, little person who wasn’t damaged at all, and my ex was going to do irreparable damage to him. So, needless to say, I wanted to get the heck out of Dodge before that could ever happen. Jack was the perfect opportunity to start anew and also get away from the monster in my life who gave me constant panic attacks.

After the visit ended, and Gideon and I watched his plane fly away from the terminal windows, I simply shook my head. No, he wasn’t the most perfect man that I could have ever imagined. However, he definitely was something amazing in my eyes, and he had the shininess and beauty of a new penny. Not only did I feel like I was spending time with my best friend when I was with him, but he was good with my son and wanted more kids. On top of it all, he offered Gideon and I a new beginning and an amazing life where I could stay home in a big, beautiful house, have a husband who made a lot of money and would make me happy. He was successful, and seemed as though he were climbing the corporate ladder with enthusiasm.

A month went by and after so many agonizing days of not seeing him, I decided that Gideon and I would go and visit him. Because I was still nursing Gideon (remember, he was young!), it made for an interesting plane ride. The teenage boy who sat next to us couldn’t help, but stare at my tatas that were two sizes more bodacious than usual, as Gideon suckled and slept for the entire plane ride. (Just a quick aside, my very conservative, formula-fed family would have been disgusted and completely revolted that I had done this in public. This makes it so much more hilarious for me when I remember it all). Also, I wasn’t one of those mothers who just whipped out her tata and let the baby go to town. I always made sure that I covered up with a blanket. Half of the time, people didn’t even realize I had a baby with me. However, this time, as the awkward looking blonde teenage boy plopped down next to us, he looked over as if he had just found a million dollars, for I am sure the only tatas he had ever seen were either on his kid sister’s Barbie dolls or in a magazine.

“Hey,” he said, smiling over at me.

“Hey,” I replied back to him, while glancing down at Gideon, who was smiling up at me as if he knew what was going on.
“Soooooo… have you flown much? Are you scared? Because if you are…” he began.

“No, I am actually just fine. Nursing my little guy because it helps his ears, so they don’t pop. We are flying out to see my husband (I added that for an extra signal to this poor chap) who is in Georgia on business,” I replied.

“Oh. Bummer. Well, he is a lucky guy… actually, they are both lucky guys. Especially that one. Ha, ha,” he said as if it were the funniest thing in the world and he had a microphone and an audience of his awkward teenage friends around him.

“Ok, thanks,” I replied and pretended to be asleep for the remainder of the flight, while holding Gideon to me. I laughed to myself imagining this kid telling wild, tall tales to his friends and describing my boobs.

The rest of the flight went off without a hitch, and before I knew it, we were in Georgia. From the moment I got off the plane, to the moment we loaded Gideon in the car, I was in heaven. Not only was it beautifully warm, but Jack had bought Gideon a car seat, a high chair, toys, a pack and play, and several other things. I couldn’t believe the generosity and love that seemed to pour out of this man. We drove to his house and when we pulled into the driveway, I nearly croaked. It was a two story, enormous white and brick house with black shutters. It had a wrap around porch and a huge deck with a three season room. I was in heaven. Simply heaven. Not only that, but he had also made up a room for Gideon that looked much like a little nursery. From that moment on, I was hooked.

The visit continued to go perfectly, as we met his best friends and even went to his family’s farm for an entire Sunday. The warmth that his family showed us was unbelievable, as we all sat down for a big, family meal and talked as though we had been a part of their lives forever. It felt a bit surreal as though I had jumped into someone else’s life (again, like a Quantum Leap episode, please see Glossary if you don’t know this show). It felt too good to be true. Too wonderful and perfect. Too… well, you will see how it all ends.

Three months passed with Jack in the blink of an eye. He visited one more time after our trip out to see him and we were very much talking complete commitment to one another. The next visit was Christmas time and this time, when he showed up, he brought a very large, very beautiful diamond ring. I happily accepted and was over the moon about moving to Georgia and escaping the nightmare that once was my life.

Meanwhile, my family couldn’t have been less happy. My brothers had a huge problem with Jack and how “old and haggard he looked,” as they said. My sister was, well, I can never quite tell what she truly thinks, and my parents were furious. Furious that I was rushing things (rightly so, now that I look back on it) and furious that we were going to take their grandson so far away. I stood and defended myself, fought and argued with them, that Jack was a wonderful guy, and that we loved each other. On and on the argument went that always seemed to be the same words being tossed back and forth.

I was exasperated when we left my parents’ house and as we drove back to my apartment, I reached over to look at Jack. It was at this moment, when I looked over at him, as he drove my car, that I saw it. The whole reason that I had to go running for the hills. Jack’s nose had a very large hole in the cartilage, right in the middle of it. I could see daylight through it! The only thing I could think of was the D.A.R.E. video that I used to show my students when telling them not to do drugs. It was about cocaine and how a man on the video was so addicted to it that he actually burned all of his cartilage away in his nose. In the film, he took a handkerchief and threaded it through one side of his nose and pulled it out the other.

Immediately, I said, “Jack, uh..I am sure that you know this. However, I just have to point out to you that you have a huge hole in your nose”.

“Helen, um… I have been meaning to talk to you about this. I am not ready to talk about it, but I promise you, with everything that I am, that we will discuss this. Just know that it was a long time ago and I made some bad decisions. I have my life on track again, but please, don’t judge me because of this”.

We sat in silence for the rest of the drive back to my place, as my mind whirled. Drugs. Seriously? Drugs? Oh my gosh. I never even drank alcohol until I was twenty-two. When we got back to my place, I put Gideon to bed and came out to Jack, who was in tears. Absolute tears. I didn’t know what to do or how to react because crying in my family has always been a taboo thing. We just don’t do it, especially the men. (I am choosing to raise my son differently, however. He can cry whenever he wants). However, because of my upbringing, I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. So, I simply sat on the floor next to Jack, hugged him and asked him to tell me his story.

I sat there in awe as tales of his past flowed out of him how he and his ex-wife shared a cocaine habit for about ten years time. Not only did he have one hole in his nose, he had three big holes in his entire nasal cavity. I was dumbfounded and scared. I had never before met anyone who had ever done drugs. However, I hugged him and assured him that we all have pasts that we are not proud of.

That night, since my sister works in law enforcement, she had a friend check his background, credit histories, you name it. Overall, (are you sitting down?) I found out that despite Jack’s wonderful façade, there were many things he was hiding from me. He and his ex-wife had both been to jail. They both had at least ten aliases and had been bankrupted twice. That was just the tip of the iceberg, but enough to make me run so fast for the hills, that there was smoke coming off of my shoes, as I slowed to a halt again, back to my simple little life with only my son. I cried as I packed the beautiful ring, along with dreams of what could have been in the UPS box that I sent back that very day. What sad times dishonesty can bring to us all. Why in the hell doesn’t everyone just tell the truth?!

I vowed that night, as I sent my prayers up to God to never let me online date again. Never give me the urge to try to find someone again, and help me to be happy with just my son and my simple, little life. However, because this book has many more chapters, we all know how this continues.

To read Gigi’s Part VII, see The Adventures of a Thouroughly Confused Gigi – Part VII