Captain’s Log

I have never felt loneliness quite like this. The only friends I have are my thoughts and depression. The pain and lethargicness my body is feeling is almost unbearable, and the idea of doing anything seems pointless and useless. I do not even cry anymore, and that might be because I’m starting to feel the numbness set in. I loved my old self, but I’m slowly realizing it’s never coming back. The scariest part about dealing with this chaos is understanding the situation and accepting the pain.

I’m starting to accept the fact that there is nothing left except me, and my body is slowly trying to wither away with everything else. My mind is screaming nothing, but horrible ideas and notions that I just can’t control anymore, but every time I think these thoughts I sense a dim glimmer of “what if”. This “what if” is my hope, but it is steadily creeping into just denial. I keep telling myself “I will not kill myself”, but it’s getting easier and easier to think otherwise. This life I’m in is like a labyrinth that has been twisting me in all directions, but each direction leads to only one solution. Only thing that is keeping me alive is “what if”, but it is slowing turning into why not.

I remember when I was in my twenties, I felt like I was unstoppable and bigger than the world. I had this sensational idea of optimism and love for anybody. If there was a problem out there, I knew I could have solved it. As my life went on, there were many good moments, but what I remember most was the bad moments and how they made me stronger. I always learned from my adversity, but now it seems worthless, because what can I do differently? There is nothing left. I remember my first heart break and how I was going to be more careful and responsible with my feelings. I remember when my mother died and how I should live on her life by being a great example for others. Hell, I even remembered my first time getting caught with drugs and how if I was going to do them, I needed to not get caught. The pain I felt through this adversity led to more joy and peace, but now there is neither lesson nor joy. The only thing I learned from this chaos so far is that sometimes you are just fucked.

My life is officially on a timer and I’m just waiting for it to go off. Death is really the only peace I will have, but I keep wondering to myself why am I still here? Am I some sick game to the cosmos, or just a forgotten leftover? The mental task of survival is slowly burning out, but I will not put out the flame. I was the only one invited to the after party, but I’m ready to leave.

-Freeman out.