by Maggie Voysest

You can’t be my boyfriend!!

After five months of terrible dates, Gigi wrote a poem, on the type of man who could NOT be her boyfriend from now on. I thought it would make the perfect introduction to the new chapters spinning around in her head. This is how Gigi felt last May
after too many bad dates that went absolutely fricking nowhere. Gigi began writing poetry to replace the lack of chapters, and found just as much closure in her poetry as she had in her writing, Now I guess she is doing both!!

Gigi had made some new poet friends on face book, and she read this amazing poem “You can’t be my girlfriend” written by a young and beautiful African American man, who was way too young for Gigi, (even for Gigi lol), so instead they became friends. Gigi wrote a girl version of his poem, and later one, they even wrote a poem together, on the lies they’ve heard from people who professed to love them. It was after writing this poem that Gigi decided she really needed to change whom she was dating!! Read it and laugh… it’ll give you a preview of the men she met in the chapters that she is about to write for you.

YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND!!
While I would never say that you are the man who broke my heart, you are the man who is hurting me over and over and over. I will always be single at this rate…

Men with no jobs
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOY FRIEND
If you don’t have a job then you stand no chance. Get off your butt and find one now. I’m not picky. Anything will do. You don’t have to be a doctor or lawyer. I’ll date anyone gainfully employed. Just have a job already… one that pays you enough that we can go out every once in a while. I’ll pay for some dates, but you must have some money too!!

If you live with your mom and dad
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOY FRIEND
Sorry, but if you’re over 20, get your own place!!! Find a room mate. Cut the umbilical cord!! I want to come to your place and have wild sex that your mom and dad won’t hear. So move out already!! Be a man, and make a place where you can have a woman over… enough is enough!!

If you are under 34
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOY FRIEND
I have no desire to be your cougar. Yes, you might have more stamina than men my age, but I want someone who knows the same songs and actors and movies I know!! Ok, I might take a man younger than 34, but only if he is educated and mature!! The amazing sex will soon not be enough, if that is all you can offer me. I want a man with brains too, not one who is closer to my sons’ ages, and still into video games and wrestling shows!!

If you can’t spell
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOY FRIEND
If you tell me “Oh baby your so pretty” I’ll scream and sick the grammar police on you!! It’s your language. Learn it!! You don’t have to have a Master’s in the English language, but at least know the difference between important grammatical terms!! I can spell correctly in 6 languages… Can you try in just one?

If you can’t dress nicely for me
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOY FRIEND
Please don’t show up in old and ratty sweats and expect me to go out in public with you. Take pride in your image and dress like a man not a sports coach. You wouldn’t want me looking all matronly in house coats and mumus. So dress nicely for me too!!

Men who don’t use my name
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
My parents gave me a name. Use it!! Don’t call me baby sweetie baby girl boo shortie. It makes me feel as though you have several woman and don’t want to slip up and use the wrong name!! Call me Gigi!! Now calling me honey or sweetie at times is ok… just remember to also use my given name every once in a while…

Men who blow hot then cold
YOU CANT BE MY BOYFRIEND
Don’t start all hot and heavy and crazy in love with me: texting and calling and facebooking and yahooing and emailing like I’ve made you discover GOD… And then all too quickly forget I exist and act as though all those forms of technology previously overused have suddenly become extinct!! Please continue as you start… the courtship shouldn’t just abruptly end after only a few weeks… not if you still want me in your life!!

Men who are rude
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
If you can’t be polite to me and the world Forget it!! Your mama taught you better than that!! Shame on you. Treat me like you’d treat your mother sister daughter. I’m not your slave or possession. Be nice to me!! Treasure me and pleasure me. Be sweet and loving and make me feel as if you care. Don’t take me for granted or feel unappreciated. Love me well!!

Men who want threesomes
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
Now why would I ever ask my best girl friends to join us in bed? Are you out of your frigging mind? Do you have any idea what an insult that is? Am I not wild enough? Passionate enough? Kinky enough? Sex mad enough to please you? Take me anywhere anytime anyplace… But don’t ever ask me to share you with another woman at the same time. I am and should be woman enough for you…

Men who run away from life
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
Life ain’t perfect. Shit happens. Deal with it!! Don’t run away from me cause things got tough. Lean on me. Share with me. Ask me for help. Let it out and vent!! I’m here for good and bad. Through thick and thin. I’m your partner not your casual booty call. Make me feel important enough to share both the good and the bad in your life. Life is tough and you cannot let that break us apart.

Men who have no sex drive
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
I crave sex. Love sex. Need sex. Yes, I have a ton of batteries and some amazing toys, but don’t ask me to be faithful to you, ignore my needs and then boo hoo about it when I find a man to give me what you won’t. If you can’t give me what I need, then I’ll find it elsewhere. You pretended to be passionate when we first met… Keep it up…or else!!

Men who play video games
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
A video game. Really? Seriously? Are you 12? I’m in your bed in a leopard teddy and you’re downstairs playing video games? Are you mad? Delusional? Shall I just buy you a blow up doll, prop her up in your bed and go find myself a 20 year old who’d choose me over a video game? What red-blooded, heterosexual man would ever choose a video game over making love to his woman? Play the games when I’m not with you. Play with me when I am!! Really??!!

Men who fall asleep on the couch
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
You can work all day. Be courteous to your customers/clients. Be attentive to your staff. Joke around with the guys. Watch sports games all night. And then fall asleep on the couch, rocking it with your snoring rather than rocking my world? Are you meshuggeneh/crazy/loco/fou? At least come up to bed, kiss me sweetly and fall asleep in my arms!!

Men with no phones or computers
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
Really? In this day and age? If you are telling me you don’t have a phone or computer, then you’re either a loser or you’re lying to me and you have a girlfriend and don’t want her finding out about me. No one these days goes without these necesities… unless they have no job or money, and we already discussed those two issues!!

Men with no cars
YOU CAN’T BE MY BOYFRIEND
No car? Are you kidding me? How can you not have a car in this day and age? How can you expect to have any sort of dating life, if you expect the woman to drive you around. Get a car. Get a clunker. Get something on wheels that runs… if your credit is so bad that you cannot get a loan for a car, then you shouldn’t be dating anyone!!

I love men and love pleasing them. I think men can be wonderful when they really try to be. But how do you think I feel when all you do is use me and throw me away? Do you know how much it hurts when I trust you and you let me down? it hurts to be the woman who falls in love, only to be wrong, baby wrong about the man she fell for. Sweetheart, I would do anything for you within my power, be with you when you need it, help you in any way I can. But in return, I want all that back!

That gives you just another preview of the stories to come… and yes, I can guarantee that some of them will make you laugh, even if it is just in disbelief at what is out there. Gigi’s number one fan Ana read chapter 31 almost as soon as Gigi posted it, asking for more and saying it was about time she started writing again, because there were some Gigi story addicts out there who’d been in severe withdrawal. Well, actually these are Gigi’s words. Here’s what Ana had to say:

“Makes me want more! Start writing dammit. I want to hear it all.. glad you are back! You know how I am with the Gigi stories! “Hi my name is Ana and I’m a Gigi addict”! lol keep them coming babe.”

Wow. Helen and Gigi tried to find a literary agent interested in reading their stories and had no luck… they didn’t even want to read a single chapter, but said no after no after no to our query letters that they emailed. So they gave up for a while, but Gigi is back on track with that again. It is as if she is suddenly inspired again. Publishers and agents might not want their stories, but it’s nice to know Helen and Gigi have fans out there who do. So now that Gigi is at a more stable and happy point in her life, she can look back with amusement at the men she ran from in shock.

Gigi said she’d start at the beginning, and here is the beginning. Now even Gigi had to go back and read chapter 30 to see where she last left off. She ended the last chapter in December with a mention of John II, a man she saw during the first few weeks of January. Oh John, she’d had such high hopes of him. The sex had been amazing, but he turned out not as wonderful as Gigi had thought he’d be.

First of all… he had no car (that should be a first no-no on a girl‘s list of who not to date), and Gigi kept having to go pick him up and then take him home. And he never spent the night either, so it was a very few tiring weeks for Gigi. She began acting like a girlfriend to him, when he asked her to drive him to pick up his brother’s car in the middle of the night… and she didn’t even always get sex from this!! Gigi fooled herself into thinking this meant that they were starting a relationship… until he wanted her to buy him gas, and coffee, and a newspaper, and she knew it would just get worse. And it did, when he asked her for a few hundred dollars to fix his van. Oy vey, Gigi…how do these men find her, and does she really look like a sugar mama? Just because she owns her own home and has a nice leased car, doesn’t mean she has money!!

Gigi began growing tired of driving him around, but before she had a chance to tell him she would no longer do it, he developed sudden family emergencies (how people laughed about this on face book… especially Ricardo, Gigi’s old student!!). Gigi no longer believes in family emergencies that appear out of nowhere, and keep you incommunicado for days. This supposedly happened to John twice, first with his daughter and then with his brother. Before too long, he was too busy with work for booty, and Gigi told him she was tired of waiting around. She said that she wanted someone who would FIND the time to be with her. In her head, she told herself that he just couldn’t be her boyfriend!!
Today seven months later, he still occasionally sends Gigi messages on yahoo, telling her how wonderful she was, and how he misses her, but how he still has no time for a relationship. Gigi tells him that she is not interested in someone who doesn’t even have time for a relationship or even just plain booty!! So much for the Popely John II… it was only a few weeks of great booty on Gigi’s expense.

No time for a relationship. If Gigi got a dollar for how many times she’s heard this excuse, she might have enough for a very good meal or five!! How can someone NOT have time for a relationship? Especially if your children are grown and not always with you, or if they are old enough to be left home alone… Why are these men on dating sites, only to turn around and say that they are either busy with work or with their children? If they are lying because they are not interested in you, then shame on them. Shame on them for contacting you for months on and off, only to say they have no time to meet. If they have time to text you or message you for hours, then they certainly have time to meet!!

And so we come to Niles. Or back to Niles, as the case may be… for the umpteenth time. The Niles from various past chapters (What?!! You haven’t read all the past chapters? You MUST… otherwise you won’t know what leads up to things, and why Gigi does the things she does). Niles was an English sleep technician that Gigi met last summer and fell head over heels for, only to find out that his “divorce’ was not quite as final as he’d said. He insisted that it was in the works, whereas it really wasn’t. Oh Niles… oh married men… My advice to all of you out there? Stay away from married people. All they can bring you is heart ache, and lots of it.

Gigi had given Niles a second chance, and taken him back into her life in early December, but he ran away once again, just like he had the previous summer. Yet like many men in Gigi’s life, he didn’t run away completely. He hung on enough to text once a week, and to call once in a while, and to promise he’d see her… “soon”. Hmmmmm soon. I don’t think that means what he thinks it means! By the middle of January, Gigi was tired of waiting for him to see her again. She’d only seen him once since he’d come back to her. So she texted him that she couldn’t do this anymore, but that she wanted to say goodbye to him in person, telling him that was the very least she deserved.

He spent days humming and hawing and promising to do his best to see her, and she had little confidence in him. She could barely sleep, and just needed to get it over with… and so Gigi made a boo boo… a huge one. Totally unplanned for, and certainly not on purpose, although I must say once it happened, Gigi was secretly glad, because Niles deserved a little heart ache of his own. What did she do? Well, instead of calling his cell phone and leaving a message there, she called his home. The home he still shared with his wife!!!! Can we all say, “Oh shit!!” together?

Gigi was in the middle of teaching when Niles texted her, asking why she had left a message at his home, asking her how she even had that number… Gigi had found the number the first time he disappeared, and his home address, but had never done anything about it. She had both phone numbers in her Iphone, and somehow pressed the wrong one to call.

Niles told her that his wife had heard the message, and now knew that he’d been involved with someone… Gigi couldn’t remember the message, but it was probably sad and weepy and telling him it was all over, but that she wanted to see him one more time to say goodbye. Niles told her to be prepared in case his wife called him, asking Gigi what she would say!! He told her it would be better not to take her calls… and that was the last thing he texted Gigi. His wife never called, and apart from one message on the dating service where they first met, she never heard from him again. Well, not until a few weeks ago, after seven months had gone by since the last time she saw him. Oh Gigi… NO!!!! What is it about that darned Englishman?

He sent her a message on the dating service, and when she answered it, he was online, and so they began to cautiously send each other texts back and forth. And you can guess it, Gigi fell right down that same old rabbit hole, falling deep into Niles’ Wonderland of stories, that could either be truths or lies, or a clever mix of both,. The problem is that Gigi always wanted to believe in him so desperately. After all, he couldn’t stay away completely either, and he was coming back to her knowing full well that Gigi knew his home phone number and address, trusting that she wouldn’t go ballistic on him. That had to mean that he felt something for Gigi…that he could no more let go of her than she could of him.

Niles? Well, he is still married… still wanting to stay with his wife for his son’s sake… still saying he cares for Gigi, still misses her and thinks about her… saying he has not been with anyone else, but Gigi. Why does Gigi still want so desperately to believe in him? He has never made her a serious part of his life, has never gone on a date with her, has never been brave enough to either stay or leave completely. Gigi doesn’t know what it is about him… only that those hours spent in bed together have touched her heart in a way no other man she‘s dated or used for a booty call ever has. When she is in his arms, Gigi is happy, and feels so darned special to him. It isn’t until he leaves, that she wonders what the hell she just did, and begins to wonder just how quickly he’ll disappear this time.

He tried, he really did, to tell her that it wasn’t fair to her to pop in and out of her life. Gigi told him that her choice was to let him pop in and out. So he said he’d be right over.
And before too long she was in his arms, as he walked into her home seven months after he’d last left it. Gigi just stayed there, in his arms, as they held onto each other tightly, for a few minutes without even being able to say a word. He kissed her head, and actually breathed in her scent. They didn’t talk. They didn’t kiss, They just stood there in each other’s arms. It felt so damn good to be there, after all that she had been through, all the men who really didn’t give a rat’s ass about her. Maybe Niles ran away all the time, but something shone out of his eyes for her, even if no one here believes me, and it shone right out of Gigi’s too.

So they met one more time… this time on a Sunday afternoon, and not in the morning, as usual, on his way to work. I know you are all shaking your heads in disbelief, but Gigi felt happy the minute she was in his arms, God help her… but there had been such a shortage of men who can do that in her life. Only him. Only Niles had this power to make her happy, even if she knew… for certain this time… that it wouldn’t last long. But it was like she made a decision deep within. She would no longer expect anything from him, but would simply enjoy whatever moments they could find together. Gigi knew that Niles too, could just NOT be her boyfriend. But something in Gigi needed what he could give her… a few hours of tenderness of amazing love making, of something more than just meaningless booty.

Gigi let him go after another wonderful few hours spent in each other’s arms on her bed, and this time it was easier than it had ever been in the past.. Maybe she was ready to let go of Niles once and for all, and this was the closure that she had needed. Closure she had not been able to get the first time he disappeared from her life, or the second time he disappeared from her life. This time Gigi had accepted the kind of person he was… one who’d rather stay unhappily married (supposedly for the sake of his son), rather than try and find happiness with Gigi. So Gigi said goodbye to the secret hopes she’d had in her heart for him, and accepted that from now on, all he would ever be is great booty, and a few happy hours spent in bed together. She knows it worked, because she no longer feels the need to text him or message him, or ask him when she’d see him again.

Gigi made it easy for him, and hopefully for her too. She told him that she wouldn’t expect a single thing out of him, but that she wanted to see him every once in a while… that it was better than the alternative of never seeing him again. Will she ever see him again? Well, a few weeks ago Gigi would have said yes. But now there is someone in her lfe… even if at a very long distance. And this man is NOT married. This man IS ready to commit to Gigi. So maybe, just maybe, Niles came back into Gigi’s life so that she could say goodbye to him once and for all.

And then again… maybe not. Why can someone grab a hold of your heart, and just not let go? Why can’t we let them go ourselves? We know there is absolutely no future in it, but we keep hoping that maybe one day, things will change. Niles is still in Gigi’s life, sending her a few messages every week, telling her he misses her and loves her, but just cannot find time to see her, or even consider the possibility of freeing himself to be with her. This time around, Gigi has learned to expect absolutely nothing from him, and it is easier than in the past, when he always let her down. She cannot quite let go of him… but she can live without him. Crazy? That’s Gigi for ya!!