by Maggie Voysest

Dating at Salsa Clubs, or Gigi’s Latino year

She had first tried to find a man without resorting to the computer. But where to find a good man? She tried at the school district where she taught. By now Gigi had finished school and was a bona fide Spanish teacher. Oh, the irony of American colleges. She went to school to be a Spanish teacher, and she had to pay for a gazillion classes she would never need: science, social studies, children’s literature, child psychology (ok, maybe that one WAS necessary), reading and language arts, and mathematics (and Gigi would rather do anything in the world rather than teach math. She still counts on her fingers, admittedly in several languages, but still on her fingers!). All those useless classes, but not one solitary, single Spanish class, or how to teach a foreign language class. Thank God, Gigi was a native Spanish speaker and a natural teacher and was able to research and teach herself how to teach.

She had no luck finding an eligible man at school. There were very few single male teachers. Most of the male teachers were married, and even some of those were quite creepy. I shall simply say that one day, while on the computer at home, she received an AOL instant message from a stranger, that soon turned out to be a male teacher at her school. It was a complete and utter coincidence. He began to flirt with her online, and she pretended that she was seeing someone, a black Cuban guy who had taught her how to salsa dance. She had brought him to a school party, and they had danced for the teachers. Brad told her that all the female teachers were gaga about her Cuban, and talked about him for days in the teacher’s lounge. Oh the teacher’s lounge, if you only knew what goes on in there and what is discussed!

At this point he asked her if the “black myth” was true, and proceeded to send her a photo of his…ummm… not so large appendage. OMG, she would have thought, if OMG existed back then. He even asked her if she knew of a man who’d be willing to come to his house and pleasure his wife for him, since his ‘appendage” was not large enough to do the job. I absolutely kid you not.. Gigi did not know what to do. For once in her life, she was well and truly stumped. She made some excuse and logged off. And then she had to spend the rest of the year avoiding said teacher. Kind of hard to do when she taught in his classroom twice a week. Can we all say “Ewwwwww” together?

She thought about looking at some of the single fathers. But first of all, how to find out who was single? She couldn’t very well ask her students if Mommy and Daddy slept in the same room or in different homes. Not to mention that just the thought of dating the father of one of her students was just too weird to even consider. The one father she thought might have been flirting with her ended up having severe emotional problems, and was manic-depressive. Thank God she asked a fellow teacher about him before accepting his request to go dancing with him! Whew! Ok, maybe there was one father or two, that she wouldn’t have minded going for, but wouldn’t you believe it, those were the married ones. Of course you would by now. This is Gigi’s life, and nothing is easy.

She didn’t attend church, so that was out. She couldn’t find any at her sons’ games. Her single or married friends couldn’t help. Where does one find good men? If this question could be answered, women would be lined up for miles to meet them. It seemed to Gigi that if you weren’t lucky enough to find your man while you were in high school or college, it just got harder and harder. So of course, Gigi ended up by looking in the clubs she attended. Gigi loved to salsa dance, and so did her best friends. She’d had it with Americans and Canadians, so she thought she’d try a new breed of man: the Latino man, and see if they really lived up to their fame. She thought that maybe a Latino man would be able to fulfill her needs quite nicely.

Poor Gigi and her friends. They actually thought that all the Latino men at the clubs they went to were single. They must be single, right? They went there all the time without a woman, they flirted and kissed and made out with them in dark corners, and sometimes more than that. I wish men were branded once they got married. A nice large M stamped right on their foreheads, so that no unwary woman would fall for them. But no, sadly, this is probably against the law and their constitutional right to deceive women into meaningless flings on their part, and disappointment and pain on the women’s part.

It wasn’t until years after attending these salsa clubs that the girls realized that many of these guys were not as single as they’d pretended to be. Gigi and her friends were invited to a huge party one summer, and Gigi, always on time, was the first to arrive. And she began to see one, after another, after another of these single men… NOT so darned single after all. They were at the picnic with their cute little wives, and 2-3 kids. Hmmm… should she warn the girls or not? But what does one text at a time like this.

“Oh Kelly, remember Mario from last month? Well, he has a wife and two kids.” “Mmmmmm, Susan, that nice Eugenio? One baby and another one on the way.”

Gigi was soon thanking her lucky stars that she stayed away from the Latino guys who were regulars at the clubs. With her bad luck in dating, she didn’t want to have to run into them if things didn’t work out, so she did not ever succumb to their wily wiles.

After her recent fiasco with past boyfriends who had found her on the internet, Gigi decided to try to meet someone face to face, and yes, even if it had to be at a club. She was able to find three men to date in the space of that year, from now on to be known as her Latin year as she dated three Latino men, all illegal, all barely speaking English, all barely holding down jobs, all doomed from the start.

One was too young. Sweet 23 year old Mexican Benny. Yes, I know! 23! But don’t forget that she’d recently been dumped by the Canadian for a 24 year old and what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander! It was also the year when women in their 40’s were dating much younger men. But dating Benny drove her crazy. He was just like a teenager, watched wrestling all the time, and expected her to cook for him and take care of him as though she were his mother. And don’t you even dare tell Gigi that she WAS old enough. She’d had to have been 17, and if you remember, Gigi waited until she was 18! And poor Benny wasn’t even handy around the house. He was only good for one thing. And oh boy, was he good at it. But again, sorry. No details. All I will say is that after a while, dating Benny made her think of a movie with Uma Thurman in which Uma realizes that she has t-shirts older than the man she is dating, and that they had little in common.

One was too old. Poor, sad, depressed Jose of the five kids in Honduras whom he hadn’t seen in five years. He was separated, since most Latino men will not get divorced. At least Jose was honest with Gigi from the start. He told her he had a wife he hadn’t seen in five years. Gigi was not looking to get married, and he was so suave and debonair, that she thought she’d give him a try. And hey, she got her kitchen ceiling and walls repainted, and one square in her living room. He never finished the rest of it, and she will forever have a reminder of Jose, unless she finds another painter to finish the rest! This affair was doomed from the start. He was so depressed about not having seen his family in so long, and had to work three jobs to be able to send them enough money and keep him alive too. He never had time to see Gigi, and was too tired when he did see her. He soon returned to Honduras, without ever saying goodbye to Gigi.

And one was just right. Age wise that is. In other ways Peruvian Joe was oh so wrong. He was 35, single, no kids, and not immature. He was a gourmet cook, not that he ever cooked for Gigi more than that first time. Soon he had roped her into doing all the cooking (and the buying of the food) and the washing, and any other household and wifely duties he asked her to do. He was a liar and a cheat and took advantage of Gigi shamelessly. Gigi soon found out that not one thing he told her was true. He was unfaithful to her many times. He lied about where he lived and where he worked. He even asked her to buy him things as though she was his keeper. He began to pick at her looks and personality, telling her to change this and alter that.. Gigi soon felt more trapped than in her marriage, and after a fight in which he kicked her out of the house, she left with her head held high and ran off to Miami beach with Kelly, met another gorgeous black Cuban and made sure Joe found out about it. Of course this did not set well with Joe, and he tried for months to get her to come back. He sang her sad Spanish love songs, called her constantly, and she told him she’d think about it.. But all too soon, he was back to his old ways, and Gigi walked away. Oh so done with Latino men.

This was her Goldilocks version of Latino porridge. One was too hot, one too cold and one just right? Or was it one was too small, one was too big, and one just right? Or yet again one was one too soft, one too hard, and one just right? Ok ok no more… I couldn’t resist. But one by one the Latinos were no more.

To read Gigi’s Part VI, see The Adventures of a Thoroughly Confused Gigi – Part VI

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