Caught in time warps;
caught in regret.
I am caught in the middle of a life now
and a life then.
My aftermath
is a negative effect on the “apples of my eye.”
In each of their realities
I am nonexistent.
I am a shadow of one who should have loved them more,
who should have been more present.

But I was not,
and I am not.

It is understood, then,
the reasoning behind their short quips
and cold shoulders.
And a father’s name not bestowed upon me.
But as in all things
Life, the great teacher,
must move on
its price Karma and remuneration to the piper.

The innocent cannot be blamed for the actions of the past,
for it is they that fell victim to it.
The responsibility lies with the perpetrator/s
of their heartache and loss.
Is it any wonder, then,
that replacement for empty space is sought out and found?
And that past remembrances,
relegated to occasional visits,
only add irritation to each of their unhealed wounds?

One can never go back,
no matter the effort.
It is a dark past
that still raises an ugly hurtful head.
It is my actions and those of their mother
that are dark contributors to their heartache,
those children who are mine, but are not,
souls conceived and created
who have claimed no connection to the purveyor of these words.

I lament my actions, but I must move on.
I am perceived in an uncaring light,
but this perception is far from the truth .
I live with continued dreams and nightmares,
a steady mix of adulations and alienations.
I shall never remove myself totally.
It is for those affected to decide,
one way or the other.

And in that,
I am the hapless onlooker,
the victim of my own youthful foolishness
and pomposity.

This cause and effect,
this conclusive decision,
made by adults
that were once my children
now leave me to ponder
and reflect upon
who I
was.

For who I was,
I am not now.

But unenlightened youth
takes no stock in my past experience,
a life they have never lived to know

I am a better man now than I was then,
yet I am still tried and convicted of being
a bad “Father.”

No wonder then
a life sentence has been rendered then
to pay the proverbial piper.
A sentence of
cold shoulders
and avoidance.

Decisions made, or the lack thereof
have led to this.
I am guilty
of bestowing their heartache.

I am accused of the past,
masterminding and carrying out
a perceived evil plan

with innocents caught in the cross fire
of my search for happiness.