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The Canterbury Tales of Gigi’s lovers, circa 2011

Published on August 26th, 2014no comments

“That’s it! I quit. I really really really quit!! Really!!” This time she threw down her Ipad in disgust. Last time was in Chapter 1 and it was her Iphone. She threw her iPad down, safely onto her bed, of course… It wasn’t her Ipad’s fault that men and love stink. She’d recently upgraded in technology, even though it seemed as though she had downgraded in men. “Every time that I think that they cannot possibly get any worse, they prove me wrong.” Why was dating so hard? Why couldn’t men commit to more than one date, let alone an actual relationship? Why did they say things like, “I want to take it slow” after one coffee date and a few kisses, as if afraid that Gigi was already mailing wedding invitations and trying on wedding gowns. How slow did they want to go? One date per month? (Of course while they went out on multiple dates with other women). Only texting once a week, and only calling when the moon was full, and no expectations until hell froze over?

“I can’t do this online dating thing anymore. I’m getting ten cats and becoming that crazy cat lady.” That’s what they had driven her to. That and joining a gym to work off her frustrations. But can you blame her? In just a few months, she’d gone from stalkers to men burning her bathroom to ADHD daters. From men who had told her that she was everything they wanted one minute, to telling her that she was too old for them. Actually it was his mommy who told him that, but he paid attention to her, and went from “I cannot wait to meet you for lunch today and make love to you tonight” to “Sorry, but I just want to be friends”. And then going from men who made love to her 4 times in one night to men who couldn’t even text good night after sharing great sex. Even her one friend that she could always count on to see and relieve their urges together was letting her down.

Things seemed to improve at times, but it never lasted long, or there was something always just a little bit off about them. Bringing her a rose… to a meeting at Dunkin Donuts? Not to mention that by the end of the donut date, Gigi felt like thwacking him with the rose, hoping that it had big thorns that would prick him in his…yup, you got it. They got in his car to go out for dinner, and all he wanted was to skip right to desert… in his car. Still in the parking lot of Dunkin Donuts!!!

Then there was a nice dinner at Olive Garden… one that lasted for less than an hour? With no dessert of any kind, not even a kiss? Gigi had even tried some new ethnicities, leaving her adored black men for… White guys!! Middle eastern men. Indians (from India, that is). One Indian who worked for a pharmaceutical company selling Viagra and partaking freely of his own supplies… (Yes, it does stay hard for over four hours lmfao) and even her own race, the Latinos. Sadly, even the Spanish men let her down, going from madly interested in her and so called falling in love, to the man who said, “Mommy told me I can’t date u cuz u r too old.” Really. Men now need their mom’s permission to date Gigi. What is this world coming to?

And the wishy washy men? The separated men? The recently divorced men? What up? Was God just laughing at her from on high? Had she not amused him enough in her first few years of dating, and first 30 chapters, that now he had to send her nice men who didn’t have a clue what they wanted? Can you blame her for giving up? And of course all her friends just told Gigi to take some time off and try later. Or that if she took care of herself, the men would come next. Really? From where are these men coming and what will magically change in the online world if Gigi takes off a few months? Is it the season of the flea-infested rat right now and next year it will be the season of wonderful men? Is Gigi’s Chinese astrology all messed up?

Sorry, well-meaning friends, but taking time off was NOT the solution. Waiting for them to appear at a grocery store (or a geek techie convention) was just not gonna happen!! It was time to face the truth: Online dating was created by the anti-dating gods, and Dante’s inferno is alive and well on Plenty of Fish, Match.com and E-harmony.

Gigi was sooooooo tired. It had been a few months of dates that went nowhere, or first dates that went so great and then fizzled out before she even got home. What was wrong with the majority of men on these dating sites? Was no one here for real? To sum it up:

Roberto. Oh that lying playing Latino man. His parents were from Spain, and he spoke perfect Spanish (although with a god-awful accent lol). Gigi and Roberto spent days and nights in constant contact in August. He told her he wanted to get married and have a baby. Gigi almost even considered it (and Gigi, in case you don’t know, is in her 40’s). They met after a week of communicating by phone, and the chemistry was instant, and yes, their relationship went physical immediately. Yet after, he was still constantly on pof, lying to Gigi saying that his laptop at home was always on… as if Gigi didn’t know that pof shuts itself off if there is no activity. He still texted her, but rarely called. He came by after a week to eat dinner, but he didn’t include any dessert. And if you know Gigi, she needs dessert. A lot of it. Several helpings of it. So Gigi told him that it wouldn’t work out. He disappeared for two weeks, popped up again, and then got mad because he realized that Gigi had made changes to her pof profile. As if she should have been waiting around at home for him… good God!!

There was David (yes, another David in Gigi’s life), and another one to feel an instant connection with, one that sadly went nowhere. What an amazing date… mutual shivers and goose bumps. Wonderful conversation, first on the phone and then in person. Great kisses at the end. And he ran away scared immediately, and said her kisses were too great, and he was afraid of getting emotionally involved. He was just weeks away from his divorce… WHY WHY WHY WHY then, was he on a dating site getting her hopes up? He ran far away. Way way. He still answered if Gigi texted, but he was not ready to date. And he actually was not lying since he no longer went on pof, and soon closed his account. He is one man who has never again appeared on pof, not for years after the fact. Guess Gigi was too much of a woman for him.

Next was Dan I, with 4 daughters. They had an ok date. He was a little off, in that he kept calling Gigi hot, and hot stuff, and telling her that he wouldn’t know what to do if she showed up looking too sexy. He asked her for another date, and then he stood her up, going quiet for days. Gigi told him to get lost when he messaged her a week and a half later. He said he’d been busy. Gigi said that was no excuse, and that he should have had the courtesy to cancel their date. How can a man with four daughters treat a woman like that? Isn’t that just asking for bad luck to befall his daughters one day?

Then there was Dan II. Another great first date… sharing favorite songs on their phones. Drinking beers and shots, and getting all tipsy and giggly, and a great make out session in his truck. And then he went away, way way away, and barely texted or called. He came back for a few days, apologizing for not being very affectionate on the phone, and then said he was busy for the next few weekends. When Gigi told him that this disappointed her, he said that she was too emotional for him. Gigi told him he was too cold for her, and that her profile openly said that she was an emotional person. Despite all this, she gave him one more chance and invited him over for dinner. She cooked him an amazing French dinner. He had various helpings, went to the bathroom, and… set it on fire!!! He carelessly lay down the towel right by the candles that Gigi likes to burn. Their dinner was interrupted by the fire alarm. He stood there in a panic, motionless and quite likely would have burned and forgotten to stop, drop and roll, if it wasn’t for Gigi grabbing his water glass and throwing it on her now ruined bath towel. The fire burned out the chance of any fire in the bedroom, and he left without giving Gigi dessert.

Wally had promise… He had a French mother and he grew up in Europe and spoke French. He texted non stop and called several times a day… for all of two days, of course. He asked Gigi to meet him for coffee, and then he had a “sudden” trip to New York that very night. So they made a date for Tuesday. New York must have lost all cell phone connections and internet access since she didn’t hear from him for days and days. He stood her up… again. And then he too, returned a week later (after spending two nights on pof… guess the pof internet did work in New York). He told Gigi that he had left his phone in New York and had just got a new one. Gigi told him to find Dan I and get lost with him…in the land of men who do not have the courtesy to cancel a date. He was able to go on pof nightly, and yet not message her there to tell her that he had lost his phone and couldn’t make their date?

Sal was the worst. Still months away from his divorce being final, but living alone. Gigi and Sal talked on the phone for a few nights and texted a lot, and then he had to go to Kentucky on business for a few days. They made a date for the night he’d be back. And then the fricking player, while in Kentucky on business, changed his pof profile to say that he lived in Kentucky, even though he would only be there for a few days!!!!! Guess he was hoping to get lucky with some poor unsuspecting Kentuckian woman. Can we all say big time player together? Gigi set him straight and told him he was the lowest of the low…

Paul told her he was dating a woman, but looking for one he could fall in love with… What? Really? Seriously? Next, as Gigi’s friend Elizabeth would say.

Albert was so boring on the phone that Gigi almost fell asleep when he talked to her. They were supposed to meet and then something came up, on his part. Gigi has forgotten what it was (or maybe she fell asleep as he was telling her).

Jaime had such promise… he was from Spain!! (Spanish mother and American father just like Gigi). They talked for a few hours on pof, and he gave her his number, said he’d call, and that she could text him. He never called, and never answered her texts. Why bother giving her the number?

Jonah made her phone die a few nights in a row, and then stopped calling, and only texted a few times a day after that. He was unable to meet her for three weekends in a row, because he had his sons. Now Gigi understands about kids coming first, but it seems as though babysitters have ceased to exist in the land of Michigan. Again, if men have kids and no babysitters, then WHY oh WHY are they on a dating site? Now they will probably never meet. But since he googled her and discovered her writing talents and dating blog, AND is on her facebook, he might even be reading this one day… Gigi would still like to meet him one day if the stars and planets align, babysitters ever start growing on trees and they can find a night that works for both of them, while clicking their heels twice and saying, “There is no place like Gigi’s home.”

These are just SOME of the winning dates since last she wrote a chapter or 29… Gigi will save the others for another day!!

There was one with promise, a nice Jewish man. Gigi’s Jewish aunt Frida always told her to find herself a nice Jewish man. She read Gigi’s stories shortly before she died and loved them. She told Gigi to publish them like she had published stories of her coming to America from Hungary, written with the same humor found in Gigi’s stories.
So Gigi decided to try the nice Jewish man, Lonny. They talked every night for quite a few nights. They made a date for a sushi dinner. Ah sushi. The one good thing that came out of meeting Lonny. She may have wasted two years with him, but she gained sushi and a great little sushi restaurant. He courted her slowly. Very slowly. Oh so slowly. Be careful what you ask for Gigi. You wanted slow. But not extinction slow!! He never learned how to drive her insane with passion. Just slowly bored his way into her life. She even took him to Helen’s wedding!! What a waste of her plus one. She would have had more fun flying solo and making out with Helen’s cute brother-in-law.

Good old boring Lonny. The man that she ended up dating for two long boring years. Gigi went from loving sex to avoiding it. Her period that only lasts a day or two ended up mysteriously lasting a week. And it always fell on the weekends when she saw him. Darn. Sorry babe. No sex tonight. Hmmmm, can we all say that she was faking, not just an orgasm, but also her period? She grew to think that the big M had hit. No, not marriage. Menopause. Gigi actually thought that her menopause made her not want sex anymore. Well, she found out two long years later that Lonny caused her menopause symptom. Gigi’s menopause was only making her a bit crotchety and yes, bitchy. But not because she didn’t want sex. Bitchy because she wasn’t getting awesome mind blowing sex.

Her longest relationship in forever, and totally a waste of time. It took her poet, her black knight in shining armor to show her that she needed to find herself again. One weekend with him gave her more pleasure than two years with the Lonny. Gigi ran away to meet her poet for the weekend (yes, she cheated on Lonny). They listened to poetry. Songs. Looking at the words in the songs and their deeper meaning. Watching movies. Drinking brandy with energy drinks. Smoking a little something something. And their second night together, they were watching Key and Peele skits together, when he told her that Gigi (her pen name and alter ego) fell for passionate men who hurt her because they couldn’t or wouldn’t commit, but that Paquita (her real name) settled for boring men who would never hurt her . He asked Gigi if somewhere inside her, there was a third persona: a Jay-que-lynn asking “What the fuck is going on in your life?” (For all you non Key and Peele fans, watch the substitute teacher skit to find out who Jayquelynn is).

After breaking up with Lonny, Gigi promised herself one thing: just as Scarlett grabbed a handful of Atlanta earth and promised never to go hungry again, Gigi grabbed her favorite toy and promised never to go without orgasms again.

So how did the break up with Lonny come about? Why did she run away to cheat on him with her wonderful poet? Well… Gigi came home to Lonny one night, all hyped up and excited because she had been to a great foreign language conference and she had heard some great French singers. She began dancing to their music for Lonny and he looked at her as though he didn’t recognize her. He even asked her what was up? What was up? Well not him for once…he had not taken his own Indian version of the little blue pill. Yes, she found his hidden stash of Indian Viagra, mailed from India to save a few bucks on his little blue pill… sadly some Jewish men really are cheap about purchases.

That night Lonny fell asleep. Yup. He fell asleep while Gigi danced for him. And it wasn’t late, ladies and gentlemen. It was only 9 pm. Who falls asleep at 9 pm when a woman is dancing seductively for you? So Gigi turned to Facebook, and there was her poet, a long ago lover of hers who wrote beautiful poetry for her and told her that one day it would be their time together. She told him of her menopause. Of not wanting sex. He called her there and then. Telling her that he had felt like crying on hearing her story, had told his friend who was with him that night that it was unheard of that Gigi was turned off by sex. Reading him one of her stories then and there. And while Lonny snored on the couch, Gigi and her poet rekindled their attraction on the phone. They spoke together for months, from November to July. And when Gigi had finally had enough of sleeping through her life with Lonny, she packed up her lingerie and high heels, got in her car and left. She drove 8 hours to her poet. Singing songs and dancing the whole way. And in one short weekend, her poet gave her more orgasms than anyone else had in three years… Strangely enough the three years since she had last been with him.

Gigi had an epiphany that weekend that was a long time in coming. She had to leave Lonny, find herself, start writing her stories, and be happy, and orgasmically so, again. And on the first day of school a teacher friend said that Gigi looked so happy and as though she had lost weight. Yup, she said. 200 pounds of boring Lonny. But Lonny didn’t give up that easily. He was not just cheap and boring. He was obsessive compulsive and a bit of a stalker, and with a mean streak a mile long. He texted her once a week after she broke up with him… slowly getting nasty. Asking her why she left, and then not liking her carefully worded answers, he turned on her. First, on her Facebook, when he told her that she would die soon from not eating healthy. That she could barely walk because of her arthritis (hmmm she sure managed to walk all over Chicago and Quebec on her student trips). He even told her that she, Gigi, was depressed because of her menopause and that she should ask her doctor for meds to want sex again. So she blocked him on Facebook. Then he texted her and asked her why she had left. She tried telling him that their relationship fell into a rut. That they only had tv shows and restaurants in common. That she wanted someone to dance with her, listen to the words in a song, someone who read books and watched movies and then discussed them together. Someone who would take her with passion. Not someone who would beg for sex. Someone like her poet, whom she will be seeing this Labor Day weekend. This time as a single woman.

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